Every day we find ourselves in situations where we need to say NO to colleagues, family, and partners. NO protects ourselves and what is important and dear to us. But saying NO at the wrong time and incorrectly alienates people and makes them angry. That is why it is important to say NO in a way that does not provoke conflict, but maintains a good relationship. This art is accessible to everyone. How to convince and defend your vital interests? How to make your NO firm and powerful? How to resist aggression and manipulation from your interlocutor? How, in the end, can we achieve agreement? This is not taught in schools and universities. You will learn about all this by reading the book by the outstanding negotiator William Ury.
Who is this book for?
It's hard to even say! The book gives such clear advice and accessible recommendations that it will be useful to absolutely everyone who has to say NO to a customer or colleague, subordinate or manager, child or spouse, friend or first person they meet.
Why we decided to publish this book
The ability to say a positive NO is the most valuable life skill that everyone should master!
That is why this international bestseller has sold 2,000,000 copies and has been translated into twenty-two foreign languages. This is almost a record for the books we have published.
Book feature
The book is based on the famous course William Urey teaches at Harvard University for managers and negotiation professionals.
From the author
With this book I complete my trilogy on negotiations. If the main theme of the first book was to achieve agreement between both sides, then in the second I focused on overcoming the resistance and objections of the other side. Now we will talk about you personally. I will try to teach you how to defend and protect your own interests. Since we usually start with ourselves to build a logical sequence, I view this book not as a continuation of the previous two, but rather as their predecessor. Each book is valuable in itself, and they all complement and enrich each other.
I believe that this book is not only a guide to negotiations, but also a psychological workshop necessary in everyday life. After all, our whole life is a continuous dance of YES and NO. Each of us constantly has to say NO - to friends and family, bosses and subordinates, colleagues and ourselves. And how we say it determines the quality of our life. NO is perhaps the most important word and we need to learn to say it firmly but respectfully, politely and effectively.
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Current page: 1 (book has 18 pages total) [available reading passage: 5 pages]
William Urey
Harvard School of Negotiation. How to say NO and get results
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, for any purpose, without permission in writing from the publisher.
© William Ury, 2007 + This edition published by arrangement with The Sagalyn Literary Agency and Synopsis Literary Agency
© Translation. Novikova T., 2012
© Design. Mann, Ivanov and Ferber LLC, 2012
To the readers of the Russian edition
It is a great pleasure and honor for me to welcome readers of the Russian edition of the book “How to Say No and Achieve Results.”
While everyone on earth has to say NO from time to time, the expressions we use to do so of course vary from country to country. In How to Say NO, I tried to identify fundamental practical principles that apply in any country and in any area of life - from personal to professional or social. I am confident that you will be able to adapt these principles to the conditions of your own life, and that these principles will benefit both you and everyone around you.
I wish you success in mastering the art of saying a positive NO!
With thanks
and respect,
William Urey
Gratitude
– It took you five whole years to write this book? – my eight-year-old daughter Gabriela asked incredulously.
“Yes,” I answered.
– This is more than half of my life!
- And what did you want to say? All you had to do was say NO. It’s simple,” the girl noted. “Besides, you DO NOT have an exciting start,” she added later.
– What is an exciting introduction?
“This is the first sentence that immediately grabs the reader’s attention,” Gabriela explained. - You don't have that.
“Oh,” I said, embarrassed.
Those who point out our shortcomings are our most benevolent teachers, and Gabriela is undoubtedly my most benevolent teacher. I have the deepest gratitude to all the teachers who taught me many of the lessons that were used in writing this book.
Let me start with my colleagues at the Harvard Negotiation Program. This has been my intellectual home for the past twenty-five years. In particular, I was fortunate to learn from excellent mentors Roger Fisher, Frank Sander, and Howard Raiffa, and to begin my career with colleagues and friends David Lax, Jim Sebenius, and Bruce Patton. I would also like to thank our Chairman, Robert Mnookin, and Managing Director, Susan Hackley, who support and develop our program. I would like to especially thank my colleagues Doug Stone, Daniel Shapiro, and Melissa Manwaring for their helpful and invaluable comments on the manuscript.
No one contributed more to this book than Joshua Weiss, with whom we collaborated at Harvard for more than ten years. From the very beginning, Josh helped me with his detailed research, and once the book had taken shape, he patiently read the drafts and made helpful comments. A talented teacher, Josh also helped me develop a special seminar for Harvard in which we used this book. The pleasure of working with Josh is surpassed only by my endless gratitude to him.
I am also grateful to Donna Zerner, who has been a tireless interpreter, an inspirational editor, and a loyal friend. Louise Temple and Rosemary Carstens provided invaluable editorial input during the final stages of the work.
I believe the best way to convey an idea to the reader is to tell it in the form of a story. I am grateful to Elizabeth Doty, a great master of human stories, who provided me with many examples from personal experience. Her advice and comments were extremely helpful to me. I'd also like to thank Candice Carpenter, Alexandra Moller, and Kate Malek for their very helpful research, and Katya Borg for her skillful visual assistance.
My readers played a huge role in making my new book user-friendly for future readers. Mark Walton gently but persistently demanded simplicity from me, constantly emphasizing the magical power of the number “3”. My sister, Elizabeth Ury, with her keen ear and intuition, brought me back to the original name and the original metaphor for the number “3”. I am eternally grateful to my friends John Steiner, Joe Haubenhofer, Jose, Ira Alterman, Mark Sommer, and Patrick Finerty for their helpful comments. Much of the writing of this book came from mountain trips with my friends Mark Gershon, David Friedman, Robert Gass, Tom Daly, Mitch Saunders, Bernie Mayer, and Marshall Rosenberg, as well as time spent in the Brazilian jungle with my brother-in-law, Ronald Mueller.
Over the past two years, Essri Cherin has been my faithful assistant. Her persistence and invariably good mood helped me in my work. I also want to express my endless gratitude to Kathleen McCarthy and Christina Quistgard, who have helped me in the past. And since I wrote quite a few pages in the sun and snow, I want to thank all the kind-hearted residents of Aspen Winds.
No book wins the hearts of readers unless a good editor has worked on it. I was incredibly lucky to work with Beth Rashbaum. Her editorial sense and sensitivity made this book much better. I would also like to thank Barb Burg for her boundless and infectious enthusiasm and flair for language, and Irwin Applebaum and Nita Taublib for their faith in the potential success of this book.
I was fortunate to have a wonderful agent, Raf Sagalin, who, along with his colleagues Eben Gelfenbaum and Bridget Wagner, diligently and skillfully searched for a suitable home for this book in the United States and abroad. I am grateful to all of them.
Finally, I would like to express my deepest gratitude to my longtime mentor and family friend, John Kenueth Galbraith, who recently passed away. This man generously shared his knowledge with me and served as an example of a writer and teacher. I cannot help but express my gratitude to my friend Prem Baba for his wisdom in matters of the heart and spirit. I am eternally grateful to him for his inspiration and integrity.
And I would like to end with where I started. My family. I was lucky enough to be the father of Christian, Thomas and Gabriela, who, along with their faithful dogs Flecky and Miki, were growing up at the same time as this book. Their life experiences played a significant role in its writing. In raising them, my wife Lizanne skillfully combined YES (love) with NO (firmness). This is a very important and useful art. I learned from her that true firmness (NO) is not the opposite of love (YES), but stems from love and leads to love. Lisanne was my best teacher in the art of saying NO. I am infinitely indebted to her love and devotion and dedicate this book to her with all my heart.
My last words of gratitude would like to express to my elders: my parents Janice and Melvin, who gave me life and love, my wife's parents, Anneliese (Oma) and Kurt (Opa), who lovingly accepted me into their family, and my Aunt Goldina, who recently turned 102 years old. She already knows very well the secret of how to say NO - positively!
William Urey
Preface
How to say no
“If your girl catches a cold, she could die,” the doctor categorically told my wife and me at the end of the conversation. My wife held our tiny daughter Gabriela in her arms. Our hearts froze with fear. Gabriela was born with a serious spinal condition, and meeting this doctor was only the beginning of our long journey through the medical system. We faced hundreds of consultations, dozens of treatments and seven difficult operations in the first seven years. Although our journey is still ongoing, I am glad that, despite a number of physical problems, Gabriela is healthy and happy. Looking back over the past eight years of negotiating with scores of doctors and nurses, hospital executives, and insurance companies, I realize how much of a role the skills I acquired while helping other people reach agreement in negotiations played in it all. I also realized that for me personally, the most important role was the ability to protect my daughter and my family - that is, the ability to say NO.
First, I had to learn to say NO to the communication style so typical of doctors. While well-intentioned, they often instill unnecessary fear in the hearts of parents and patients. It was necessary to say NO to the behavior of the nursing staff and students who noisily burst into Gabriela's hospital room in the early morning and treated her as if she were an inanimate object. My job involved saying NO to dozens of invitations, requests, and demands that took away valuable time that I could have spent with my family or studying medical literature.
But all these NOs had to be reasonable and polite. After all, my child's life was in the hands of the doctors and nurses. These people are constantly under enormous stress, working in an inefficient healthcare system that allows them to spend only a few minutes with each patient. My wife and I have learned to pause before responding to an order. This allowed us to make our NOs not only effective, but also respectful.
Like all good NOs, our refusals served a higher YES, in this case the good of our daughter. The most important thing to us was her health and well-being. In short, our NO should not have been negative, but positive. It was to protect our daughter and create the possibility of a better life for her - and therefore for us too. We weren't always successful, but over time we learned to be more effective.
This book is written about the most important life skill - the ability to say a positive NO in all areas of life.
I am an anthropologist by training. I studied human nature and behavior. At work, I am a negotiator, teacher, consultant and mediator. By vocation I am a seeker of peace and compromise.
Even as a child, when I witnessed arguments and conflicts at the family dinner table, I wondered if there was a better way to resolve differences and conflicts. It was clear to me that destructive quarrels and clashes did not lead to anything good. I went to school in Europe. Only 15 years have passed since the end of World War II. The war memories were still vivid, and the scars were still visible. And this made me think even more seriously.
I belong to a generation that all my life has experienced the threat, albeit distant, but constant threat of a Third World War, which would bring humanity to the brink of survival. Our school had a nuclear bomb shelter. We talked with friends until the night about what we wanted to achieve in life. And very often these conversations ended with doubts that we even have a future. Then—and even more strongly now—I felt there had to be a better way to protect our community and ourselves. I was sure that threatening each other with weapons of mass destruction was useless and even harmful.
In an attempt to resolve this dilemma, I began to study human conflict professionally. I didn't want to remain a bystander. I wanted to put my knowledge into practice. I decided to become a negotiator and mediator. Over the past thirty years, I have been involved as a third party in resolving many conflicts, from family disputes to miners' strikes, from corporate disputes to ethnic wars in the Middle East, Europe, Asia and Africa. I have had the opportunity to listen to and provide advice to thousands of people and hundreds of organizations and government agencies who find themselves in very difficult situations.
In the course of my work, I have witnessed the waste of resources and unnecessary suffering associated with destructive conflicts. I have seen broken families, lost friends, fruitless strikes and lawsuits. I have seen organizations collapse. I have been in conflict zones and seen the horror that violence instills in the hearts of innocent people. Ironically, I have witnessed situations that made me want more conflict and resistance. I have seen spouses and children suffer in silence from abuse, subordinates being humiliated by superiors, and entire communities living in fear under the thumb of a totalitarian dictatorship.
My work in the Harvard Negotiation Program helped me develop better ways to resolve our differences. Twenty-five years ago, Roger Fisher and I wrote a book, Negotiating the Harvard Way. How to achieve consent." In it, we focused on how to reach an agreement that is beneficial for both parties. Our book became a bestseller. I believe this happened because we reminded people of their common sense, something they knew very well, but often forgot to use.
Ten years later, I wrote a book, How to Beat NO. This book was the answer to the most frequently asked question by readers of the first book: “How to achieve cooperation if the other side is not at all interested in it? How to get consent from different people in different situations?
Over the years, I began to understand that consent is only half the picture, and the simplest half. One of my clients, the president of a company, told me: “My people know how to achieve agreement - this is not a problem. The hardest thing for them is to say NO. Longtime British Prime Minister Tony Blair said: “The art of leadership is not in saying YES, but in saying NO. Indeed, shortly after the publication of How to Get Consent, a cartoon appeared in the Boston Globe. A man in a suit and tie asks a librarian for a good book on negotiation. “This book is very popular,” says the librarian, handing him a copy of our book. “No, that’s not what I meant at all,” the man replies disappointedly.
Up to this point, I have been operating under the assumption that the root cause of destructive conflict is the inability to achieve agreement. People simply didn't know how to reach an agreement. But I missed something very important. Even when an agreement is reached, it often turns out to be unstable or unsatisfactory because the causes of the conflict remained unresolved or smoothed over, and therefore only intensified.
Gradually, I realized that the main barrier most often is not the inability to reach agreement, but the inability to say NO. Too often we cannot say NO, although we really want to and we are sure that this is what we should do. Or we say NO, but in such a way that this refusal completely blocks all paths to reaching an agreement and destroys the relationship. We submit to unfair demands, endure injustice and even violence - or become embroiled in destructive conflict in which both sides lose.
The main barrier most often is not the inability to reach agreement, but the inability to say NO.
When Roger Fisher and I wrote Negotiating the Harvard Way, we were addressing the problem of confrontation. Then we were faced with a growing need for cooperation in negotiations within families, at work and in the world at large. The need to reach agreement continues today. But now it is much more important and urgent for people to be able to say NO, and in a positive way, so as to defend their own interests and not jeopardize existing relationships. NO is just as important as YES. It is NO that is the main condition for achieving effective agreement. You cannot agree to a request unless you first say no to several others. In this regard, NO always precedes YES.
With this book I complete my trilogy on negotiations. It began with “Negotiations without defeat”, and continued with the book “How to win NO”. If the main theme of the first book was to achieve agreement between both sides, then in the second I focused on overcoming the resistance and objections of the other side. Now we will talk about you personally. I will try to teach you how to defend and protect your own interests. Since we usually start with ourselves to build a logical sequence, I view this book not as a continuation of the previous two, but rather as their predecessor. “How to Say NO and Get Results” is the essential foundation of “Getting Agreement” and “Overcoming Resistance.” Each book is valuable in itself, and they all complement and enrich each other.
I believe that this book is not only a guide to negotiations, but also a psychological workshop necessary in everyday life. After all, our whole life is a continuous dance of YES and NO. Each of us constantly has to say NO - to friends and family, bosses and subordinates, colleagues and ourselves. And how we say it determines the quality of our life. NO is perhaps the most important word and we need to learn to say it firmly but respectfully, politely and effectively.
I'll say a few words about terms. I use the words "other" or "interlocutor" when talking about the other person or other party you are turning down. Due to grammatical requirements, I will use the word “they” to avoid writing “he” or “she” or favoring one gender over the other. Likewise, I will write the words YES and NO in capital letters to emphasize their significance and attitude.
Now let's talk about culture. Although refusal is a universal process, it can take different forms depending on the specific culture. For example, in some East Asian countries, it is customary to avoid saying the sacramental NO at all costs, especially in close relationships. In such societies, refusal also exists, but it is expressed indirectly. As an anthropologist by training, I have a deep respect for cultural differences. At the same time, I believe that the basic principles of positive NO are applicable in any society, despite the fact that the methods of their implementation may differ in different countries.
And in conclusion, I will say a few words about my personal path of knowledge. Like most people, I find it very difficult to say NO in some situations. In both my personal and professional life, I often say YES when, upon reflection, I realize that what I really meant to say was NO. Sometimes I fall into the trap of succumbing to an unexpected attack or trying to avoid conflict with the other party. How to Say NO and Get Results reflects everything I have learned in my own life, and what I have observed and experienced in thirty years of working with leaders and managers around the globe. I sincerely hope that you, my reader, will learn a lot from my book about the most important art - the ability to say NO. This work taught me, and I hope it will teach you too.
Introduction
Great gift no
A NO that comes from deep conviction is much better and more useful than a YES that is said to please, or, worse, to avoid trouble.
Mahatma Gandhi
NO. The most powerful and necessary word in any modern language, but at the same time the most destructive, and for many people also the most difficult to pronounce. But when we know how to use this word correctly, it can completely change our lives, and change it for the better.
Universal problem
Every day we find ourselves in situations where we have to refuse those on whom we depend. Imagine all the situations in which you need to say NO that arise during a typical day.
After breakfast, your little daughter asks you to buy her a new toy. “NO,” you answer, trying to be firm, “you already have enough toys.” “Please,” the daughter begins to whine, “please!” All my friends already have these!”
How can you say NO without feeling like a bad parent?
You come to work. Your boss invites you into his office and asks you to work over the weekend to complete an important project. It was this weekend that you and your wife were going to do something very important. But your boss has approached you with a request, and soon you will be promoted.
How can you refuse without ruining your relationship with management and without jeopardizing your own promotion?
An important client calls and asks for the purchased product to be delivered three weeks ahead of schedule. From past experience, you know what difficulties this will involve, and that in the end the buyer may not be satisfied with the quality of the product. But this client is very important to you and he won't take no for an answer.
How to say NO without ruining your relationship with him?
You come to an internal meeting. Your boss comes down hard on your coworker, criticizing his work, making personal insults, and humiliating him in front of others. Everyone is silent, frozen in fear and secretly glad that the boss’s wrath fell on someone else. You know that such behavior in a professional environment is absolutely unacceptable.
How to publicly speak out against him? How to say NO in such a situation?
You are returning home. The phone rings. Your friend who lives next door asks if you will participate in a charity committee. It's a good thing, of course. “You have all the necessary skills,” your friend persuades you.
You know very well that you are already very overloaded, but how to say NO and not be tormented by guilt?
After dinner, your spouse starts talking about your old mother. Your mother is already too old, it is not safe for her to live alone and she wants to live with you. Your spouse is categorically against it and demands that you call your mother and tell her NO.
But how can you refuse your own mother?
You are watching the evening news. The entire program is dedicated to stories related to violence and injustice. In a distant land, genocide has begun. Children are dying of hunger, and tons of food is spoiled in supermarkets. Brutal dictators are developing weapons of mass destruction.
“How do we, as a society, say NO to these threats?” - you think.
Before going to bed, you go for a walk with the dog, and the dog starts barking loudly, waking up the neighbors. You order the dog to stop, but he doesn’t listen.
Even a dog has a hard time saying NO sometimes. Are you familiar with similar situations? They all have one thing in common: in order to defend your interests, satisfy your own needs or the needs of your loved ones, you need to refuse unwanted demands or requests not to tolerate inappropriate behavior, unfair or ineffective situations and systems.
How to say NO and refuse those on whom we depend? Why do we bend and make concessions? To understand, let's try to understand why we agree. Most often we say YES for the following reasons:
How to say NO and refuse those on whom we depend? Why do we bend and make concessions?
To understand, let's try to understand why we agree. Most often we say YES for the following reasons:
I don't want to ruin the relationship.
I'm afraid of what the other person might do to me in retaliation.
I'll lose my job.
I feel guilty - I don’t want to hurt my interlocutor.
The problem with refusal is the contradiction between the desire to show your strength and the desire to maintain the relationship. The manifestation of one's own strength is central to any refusal. But it can add tension to relationships. At the same time, the desire to maintain relationships at any cost can weaken your position.
THERE ARE THREE COMMON APPROACHES TO THE PROBLEM:
Adaptation: We Say YES Although We Want to Say NO
The first approach is to maintain the relationship, despite the fact that for this you will have to sacrifice your own interests. This approach is called accommodation. We say YES, although we want to say NO.
Attack: We Say NO Wrong
The opposite of adaptation is attack. We use our power without thinking about its impact on relationships. If the adaptation is based on fear, the driving force behind the attack is anger. Our NO hurts the other person and destroys our relationship.
Evasion: We Say Nothing at All
When avoiding, we say neither YES nor NO. We don't say anything at all. This is an extremely common reaction to conflict in our world. We are afraid of offending others, causing their anger or disapproval, and we say nothing, hoping that the problem will resolve itself. We pretend that nothing worries us at work, when in fact we are filled with anger. Avoidance is costly: a person’s blood pressure rises, a stomach ulcer occurs, and growing problems in the organization lead to an inevitable crisis.
It’s correct to say NO using the “YES!” technique. NO. YES?"
In contrast to the usual NO, which begins with NO and ends with NO, positive NO begins with YES and also ends with YES.
Let's consider using the situation as an example, in which your boss, once again, asks you to work on your day off:
1) The first YES expresses your interests: “My family needs me, and I intend to spend the holidays with them.”
2) The subsequent NO reinforces your strength: “I will not work on weekends and holidays.”
3) The second YES preserves the relationship: “I suggest finding a new schedule where all the necessary work is done in the office and I can spend enough time with my family.”
Note the difference between the first and second YES. The first YES has an internal focus - it confirms your interests. The second YES has an external focus - it is an invitation to the partner to come to an agreement that takes into account the interests of both parties. Saying NO means, first of all, saying YES to yourself and protecting everything that is important to you.
What is this book about?
Who is this book for?
It's hard to even say! The book gives such clear advice and accessible recommendations that it will be useful to absolutely everyone who has to say NO to a customer or...
What is this book about?
NO is one of the most important and most powerful words in any language. Every day we find ourselves in situations where we need to say NO to colleagues, family, and partners. NO protects ourselves and what is important and dear to us.
But saying NO at the wrong time and incorrectly alienates people and makes them angry. That is why it is important to say NO in a way that does not provoke conflict, but maintains a good relationship. This art is accessible to everyone.
How to convince and defend your vital interests? How to make your NO firm and powerful? How to resist aggression and manipulation from your interlocutor? How, in the end, can we achieve agreement?
This is not taught in schools and universities. You will learn about all this by reading the book by the outstanding negotiator William Ury.
Who is this book for?
It's hard to even say! The book gives such clear advice and accessible recommendations that it will be useful to absolutely everyone who has to say NO to a customer or colleague, subordinate or manager, child or spouse, friend or first person they meet. Why we decided to publish this book
The ability to say a positive NO is the most valuable life skill that everyone should master!
That is why this international bestseller has sold 2,000,000 copies and has been translated into twenty-two foreign languages. This is almost a record for the books we have published.
Book feature
The book is based on the famous course William Urey teaches at Harvard University for managers and negotiation professionals.
From the author
With this book I complete my trilogy on negotiations. If the main theme of the first book was to achieve agreement between both sides, then in the second I focused on overcoming the resistance and objections of the other side. Now we will talk about you personally. I will try to teach you how to defend and protect your own interests. Since we usually start with ourselves to build a logical sequence, I view this book not as a continuation of the previous two, but rather as their predecessor. Each book is valuable in itself, and they all complement and enrich each other.
I believe that this book is not only a guide to negotiations, but also a psychological workshop necessary in everyday life. After all, our whole life is a continuous dance of YES and NO. Each of us constantly has to say NO - to friends and family, bosses and subordinates, colleagues and ourselves. And how we say it determines the quality of our life. NO is perhaps the most important word and we need to learn to say it firmly but respectfully, politely and effectively.
2nd edition.
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