Western psychologists warn against quick relationships after breakups. We have a common method: “They knock out a wedge with a wedge.” What is the danger of a new relationship after a breakup, what stages of reflection must be experienced, and how to properly distract yourself from negative emotions?
Parting is always stressful, no matter what it is - stormy or peaceful. It hurts the people left behind, but the imprint on the state of mind remains on the initiators of the breakup. It is sometimes difficult to understand the range of feelings: pain, guilt, bitterness of loss, low self-esteem, jealousy, fear of loneliness. All of them deform the inner world, up to complete spiritual devastation.
The recovery period is different for each person. But it is necessary and inevitable. This must be remembered when diving into the darkest. As well as the fact that everything passes. Even if at this moment, it seems to you that life is over.
When can you start a new relationship after a breakup?
Behavior after a breakup goes through several stages, in different combinations, depending on the quality of the broken relationship, its duration and the reason for the end:
Contradiction. When they happily (or vindictively) do something that was impossible or undesirable when they were living together with a partner: they dress differently, visit some places or events, communicate with “non grata” friends. Psychologists approve of such actions, but they should not be thoughtless, harmful to oneself, or senseless “out of spite.”
Anger, jealousy and aggression. There is no need to hide negative feelings. Do you want to cry? Cry. Do you want to swear? Scream. But rushing to extremes: persecuting, taking revenge, throwing mud at your exes is unacceptable. Moreover, when the intensity of passion passes (and it will certainly pass), a feeling of shame or awkwardness will also appear.
Resentment, bitterness and regret. Constant memories of happy or special moments are tormented by the fact that they are irrevocable. And all the bad things are pushed aside and blurred in memory. You cannot stay in this period for a long time and constantly poison your heart with grief and destructive concentration on resentment.
"Replacement". When, deliberately or by coincidence, they replace the missing half with another person. According to reviews, this is the best way to get out of depression. But psychotherapists do not recommend “replacement” relationships because of the negative consequences.
Analysis. After emotions lose their severity, the time for reflection will come.
In general, psychologists have a special formula that calculates how long it takes for the pain of loss to disappear. This time is much longer than love itself. Although studies conducted only on divorced couples indicate that the quality of the next relationship is not related to the length of the period after the breakup.
For a mentally healthy person, three months to a year is enough to go through all the stages of experiencing after a breakup and start a new relationship. But they should not be a “replacement”.
The dangers of a new relationship after a breakup
Psychotherapists always try to convey to emotionally developed people that negative feelings after a breakup are natural. They can and should be experienced, and not hidden deep in the subconscious. A situation that is not fully completed will pop up at unexpected moments in life, bringing discord and confusion to the soul and mind.
In addition, only after fully experiencing all stages of “weaning off” does the period of analysis come. And when they are comprehended, you can build new ones of a higher level.
What is the danger of a new relationship after a breakup?
Starting a new relationship too hastily after a breakup closes the door back. Perhaps there is no need to rush things if there is.
Spending time with a new partner does not give been through to the end of separation and draw conclusions from the mistakes of the past. In a fresh relationship, you won’t be able to fully feel how the impasse of emotional devastation gives way to simply sadness. There will not be a clear understanding of who is needed for happiness and what it consists of for you. And how to avoid making previous mistakes with the next applicant.
Using a new person involved solely for sex, for consolation, for distraction, without notifying him about it is vile. There is a risk that he will experience pain similar to yours later.
Sometimes people themselves tend to believe fiction. And easily confusing the fear of loneliness with sympathy, or in gratitude for attention with low self-esteem, you can find yourself connected to a new relationship, essentially with a stranger. And with a weak will, some may never be able to extricate themselves from them, spending many years on a mirage.
When people deliberately choose those they don’t love for later life, arguing that “since great love turned out to be a lie, then what difference does it make” - this also does not end with a happy ending.
Sometimes, it is difficult to fully understand whether this is a “replacement” or really an advent. It depends on whether the previous relationship broke up unexpectedly or whether this process went on for a long time, giving the opportunity to experience some stages of the separation while still in the couple.
Signs of substitution
Sometimes a person himself does not realize that he needs a new relationship or this is a “substitute” option. There are a number of obvious markers:
If they are not interested in the new partner as a person, their feelings are not taken into account. And they are used only for comfort and sex.
They constantly talk about their ex-passion.
On the contrary, they do not want to say or discuss anything categorically.
They flaunt new relationships, for example, on social networks.
Frequent mood swings and negative emotions that deliberately spill out on those who are nearby, although they are directed at the source of suffering.
The best option would be to honestly admit to the new gentleman about the recent breakup and your pain, and offer friendship. Don’t be afraid that you will be alone, that you will miss out on “true” love. If this is “your” person, he will help, support and wait until the emotional whirlwind subsides.
How to find comfort after a breakup without a new relationship
It is clear that when parting, it seems that the world has frozen and there is no desire to live. It is extremely difficult to control yourself, especially in an acute moment, when after a breakup it seems that you will suffocate from sobbing. Once the first phase of despair has passed, you can try to relieve mental anguish in the following ways:
Shift the focus from your suffering to the feelings of others. Help those who are sicker and worse off than you: a sick child, an elderly relative, a disabled person, refugees. Empathy and compassion, but not in words, but in action, immediately shows the world from a completely different side.
Write all your grievances and disappointments on a piece of paper. Understand that the blame lies with your former partner for unjustified yours no desire. Forgive him.
Try to meet one last time to say goodbye, without making complaints or quarreling. A point made by you can also give peace of mind.
Don't distance yourself from your family and friends. Accept their sympathy, do not be ashamed of pity. Do you want to be alone? But this is a dangerous path to reliving all the painful moments in memory. Communicate more.
Take up a hobby or something you've been putting off for a long time. Start learning something new, such as a foreign language. Work also helps a lot to take your mind off sad thoughts. There are many stories that it was after breakups that careers went up.
Intense sports also burns negative emotional energy.
If possible, go on a trip. Or change your surroundings for a while.
Or at least change the interior of the house, update the decor. At the very least, remove items given by your old partner.
Don't be afraid to meet new people. Don’t rush things, but you shouldn’t close yourself off from relationships forever.
To avoid repeating the situation of separation in different scenarios, it is imperative to learn lessons. The danger of a new relationship after a breakup is precisely in the “blurring” of a clear understanding of the reasons. Think about your mistakes in order to gain knowledge: why this happened, how to soothe persistent pain, and not drown it out and
This analysis should not be self-flagellation or shifting all the blame onto the former partner, but a means of getting out of an emotional impasse. Which will give you the opportunity to look at what is happening with different eyes and in the future will help you build new harmonious ones with a more suitable person for this.
AnastasizLubimchenko
I broke up with my loved one. Through my own fault. At that moment I didn’t regret it. At first everything was fine. I was alone for several months. Then I started dating other guys. But it was not the same. I started thinking about past relationships. But I didn’t want to return anything. And now I’ve been dating a young man for half a year. He is smart, good, caring, kind and, as they say now, “for life.” But... I have feelings for the first young man. I can't help it. And I can't return it. With this, I know that everything will be fine, but there are no feelings. What do i do? Anastasia, 26 years old.
Hello, Anastasia!
I hear about your separation from your loved one, through your own fault. How do you return your thoughts to a past relationship, at what point?
Relationships with someone who is smart, good and comfortable “for life”, what are your feelings towards him?
What happens to you, from the knowledge that everything will be fine with the “convenient for life”, but you cannot return your loved one?
AnastasizLubimchenko
My thoughts periodically return to him. I think about him all the time. I can't help it! Past memories. Even what was bad for us is now seen in a good light. And with the current one, I feel calm and good. He does everything for me that I don’t ask for. Very caring! And it seems like there are only advantages, but my soul does not rest because I think about the past. I’m cooking, but I think that my ex should have cooked this way and so on... In short, it’s like I want to correct my mistakes. And I really miss my ex. I don't think he will forgive me. Yes, I betrayed him by starting another relationship. We still communicate with his mother. But secretly. This is also annoying. I am ashamed in front of a real young man. What to do, what to do? Thanks a lot!
When you periodically return your thoughts to your “loved one”, what do they give you?
Can you describe how you see something that was bad in a good light?
I want to return to you that with the current one you are calmly well, he does everything for you, but his soul is indifferent. How do you stay in a relationship with him?
What mistakes do you want to correct with your ex? In your first message you talked about guilt, how is it related to the beginning of another relationship?
What is shame in front of a real young man about?
AnastasizLubimchenko
Hope or something... Well, that’s why we broke up, I wasn’t happy with his attitude towards me... Now I’m already thinking that maybe everything was fine. When I don’t think about my ex, everything seems to be fine and life goes on. It seems that I understand with my mind, but alas... I want to correct the following mistakes: understand him, do not quarrel with him... The guilt is that I betrayed him by starting a new relationship. And that we probably won’t be together anymore. But I need to move on with my life, have a family, children... The shame is that he is so good, he does everything for me, but I cannot reciprocate (
Hope for what?
What attitude towards you did not suit you?
What are your mistakes in understanding him, in not swearing? Describe the situation.
When I read about guilt, words about betrayal and that you probably won’t be together anymore. It shrinks inside, it becomes bitter and painful.
And the next sentence about I need to live on and start a family, my children seem to be pulled out of my previous feelings (bitter and painful) and there is no way to be with them, to live. These are my feelings. How do my words resonate with you?
What kind of reciprocity can you not reciprocate with your current boyfriend?
Divorce or informal separation - any break in relationships causes pain and knocks you out of your usual direction.
Low self-esteem, depression, countless “whys” and hopeless “becauses.” A woman falls into the abyss of despair, experiencing stress.
People don’t think about how to start a new relationship after a divorce soon. The rehabilitation period in some cases lasts years, sad and lonely.
And a woman is not always ready to hand over her heart again. What do you need to remember when taking a step towards a new future and what do you need to forget? Let's understand the complex ups and downs of a relationship after a breakup.
To the past - the past
It was unexpected, painful, irreparable. But this has already happened and has become part of the past. Women can dwell on what happened for years, analyzing it and looking for new shades of gray and black.
And it’s even worse when the thought suddenly pierces you: “what if...”. It can be so nice to provoke yourself with the thought of another ending to an already ended relationship.
In any of the fixation options, the woman makes the main mistake - she continues to live in the plane of non-existent events. Phantom life. The illusion of reality.
And this fantasy about the breakup is the main obstacle to real contentment. And you need to carefully put all the memory of the event on the “past” shelf. It will be useful in old age - for writing memoirs, for example.
You need to move forward without ballast. But how to start a relationship from scratch? “Pumping up” your thoughts like muscles - systematically, confidently, regularly.
A reminder for a new life
- All wounds, all injuries heal. In a few years, the memories of this breakup will not cause you a single twitch of your facial muscles. Shorten this period by force of will. Why prolong the “pleasure”?
- Even if this is not the first divorce, this does not mean: I am doomed. Life has no absolute negative sides. This was your personal experience, thank fate for the opportunity to become stronger, more cynical, in the end. With every new relationship you gain, not lose.
- On the eve of a new relationship, do not expect it, but prepare for it. Take care of yourself, your children (if you have them), get a hobby and fish - enjoy the opportunity to be alone with yourself.
Instead of remembering “his” white orchids and the sound of the sea on the shore “with him” for the thousandth time, make a face mask and transfer the money to a charity account in the orphanage. It’s good for yourself and for others.
He and your relationship are a story with an ending. Sealed with sealing wax. But how to start a relationship with a man correctly? After all, you have been wrong so many times!
How to start a new relationship “without pain”
Take your time. In this matter, both haste and delay are fraught with another nervous breakdown. Trying to knock out a wedge with a wedge and rushing into the maelstrom of a new relationship immediately after a breakup, you are literally risking your health.
Allow the wound to heal, self-esteem to rise, and your gaze to acquire a meaningful and confident expression. In this state of tragedy or feigned bravado, you will easily become the victim of an adventurer.
Procrastination is also a bad scenario. The further you plunge into loneliness, the more difficult it is to get out of it, the deeper and broader your ideals become. Still, don’t put the saying “it’s better to be alone” at the forefront of your life - lonely old age is too sad, no matter how you look at it.
Formula of happiness
You don’t need to ask your friends or look for the answer in a magazine about how to start a new relationship after a breakup. The scheme of any relationship is excessively simple. It requires no reservations or instructions.
For those who have forgotten what a relationship with a man is:
- They begin with mutual love.
- Built on trust and respect.
- They pursue the same goals.
- Bring pleasure and satisfaction to both partners.
When a relationship begins with, people do not wonder how to start it, they have already acquired form and content. But how to afford such a relationship is another question.
And the answer can be just as easy: what do you gain by not allowing yourself a new relationship? Is your loneliness so valuable? Perhaps he is missing something? Adrenaline, endorphins, good regular sex, caring for your neighbor.
Breakups and divorces are a reason to allow yourself another life. This is an opportunity to play your best role. With or without pain - to your taste. Pepper and salt, but don’t allow it to become bland. And loneliness is quite dietary, isn’t it?
As a rule, all novels begin beautifully: flowers, poems, sweets, boat trips, meetings at the monument and romantic gatherings on a bench in the city center. If they end, then in different ways: after betrayal or even without thinking about it, by mutual agreement or on the initiative of one of the partners, with confusion, or, conversely, easily and freely. After realizing this, the question always arises: “What to do next?” Should you take a break to rest and sort out your feelings, or is it better to start a new relationship as soon as possible?
The question at first glance is simple, there are only two possible answers to it. But every opinion has its supporters and opponents. Some people think that they need to switch quickly, while others think that they need to be alone with themselves. Who is right?
Head over heels
A small soap opera based on real events, codenamed “breakups and their role in personal life.” Christina broke up with Pavel. They lived together for two years, went on vacation to the most exotic corners of the world and made plans for the future. Therefore, when Christina packed her things, called a taxi, moved in with a friend and began monitoring websites in search of separate housing, it came as a surprise to everyone. On Facebook, her status quickly changed to “single,” and when asked by friends about the reasons for the breakup, she answered in all seriousness: “I fell out of love!” Happens.
The situation seems clear - Pavel is suffering, and Christina is flying on the wings of freedom to a bright new future, where it will be more and more passionate, interesting, and where there certainly should be love. But within a month they both find new partners. Pavel meets a girl through friends who doesn’t even remotely resemble Christina, and it seems to him that this will distract and entertain him, and will offend his ex. After all, photos with a new busty passion appear on Facebook with the regularity of a daily news publication. He's really having fun, but he can't seem to get distracted. After a few months, it turns out that the new girl, whatever one may say, is really not Christina and is not ideal at all. However, he almost doesn’t give a damn about Christina anymore. Yes, and she lives her own life. In the interim, another victim appears in the story, and Pavel experiences another breakup. Two breakups in a short period of time are another test for any psyche.
To be continued. Christina, not having time to enjoy freedom and loneliness, which, according to her, was sorely lacking before, also begins a new relationship. It’s hard to resist when a new fan showers you with flowers, praises you, hangs on every word and wish, and tries to please. But after a while, she, just like her ex, understands that, despite the beautiful courtship, words and actions, this is not the person we need. And since the memories of the breakup are still alive, it is still difficult to believe in a better outcome. Another victim appears, and this time Christina, instead of a feeling of lightness and freedom, receives anxiety, uncertainty about herself and the future. Doubts are added about the correct understanding of what she needs, who she needs and what she wants. Life becomes more and more stupid and meaningless, and she begins to consider herself an insensitive monster.
There is no crime in the situation, as they say “people meet, people fall in love, get married.” They also disperse, leave, and meet others. This is fine. All I had to do was pause. Any separation requires analysis. Painful or mild, long or fast, calm or bordering on the desire to die. It is important to stop, think, and draw conclusions. People are quite often in a hurry, rather trying to start a new relationship after a divorce and causing more pain to themselves and those they involve. What to do? Go into soul-searching and be sad while looking out the window? Write down your experiences in a notebook, cherish your fears, or maybe immediately make an appointment with a psychotherapist?
Put it on pause
A psychotherapist, of course, is a way out, but you can try to go a different route. Pavel is certainly right about one thing: getting distracted and having fun is one of the important transition stages. But it is not necessary to be distracted by a new object. You need to entertain yourself, although it is difficult. After all, moving into the status of a “lone wolf”, you have to learn to entertain yourself on your own. Almost like in the joke about red caviar - you have to force yourself.
Loneliness is a wonderful thing, you just need to know how to use it correctly. When in a relationship, we often lose the pronoun “I” in the pronoun “we”, not only at the lexical level. Parting is a reason to remember that it is “I” who love and don’t love, without regard to anyone else. Remember what “I” get pleasure from and understand what I continue to do out of habit. Loneliness is a reason to take time for yourself. Starting from any beauty treatments to abandoned hobbies that you never had enough time for while you were in a relationship. And then there are relatives, friends, former classmates, classmates and simply like-minded people whom you met on the Internet, but could not meet. Active and positive solitude is useful, but how long it will last: a month, three or a year is up to you to decide. When you enter into a new relationship, you will have a chance not to repeat past mistakes. In addition, when you are self-sufficient and interesting, you are more likely to spot someone who will be interesting not because they “resemble Vasya” or, on the contrary, are not at all like him, but opposites attract. You can open a new chapter in your life without looking back at the past.
It's better to do and regret than not to do and regret
Of course, there are exceptions to any rule. Here you are walking down the street, all teary and upset, rolling a suitcase on wheels with an unhappy look, thinking about what kind of scoundrel your ex has been for half an hour. And here he is! He grabs your suitcase, puts you in the car, hands you a damp napkin with the scent of chamomile, and now “in a silver car you are in a Tarantino movie.” And live happily ever after. This is exactly the story that happened to Olesya. After breaking up with Igor, the girl did not leave the house for a week. Her condition has already begun to worry her relatives. Sergei just had the wrong apartment, but when he saw Olesya crying, he decided to cheer her up. He practically pulled him out to a nearby coffee shop, fed him ice cream and took him for a walk. Sergei did not feel sorry for Olesya, did not console her, did not try to become her vest. But they have been together for five years now, they got married three years ago, and a year ago they had a wonderful baby Alyosha.
Now it’s no longer relevant to find out whether Olesya managed to tell Sergei something like “I’m afraid of a new relationship” or at least think about it. Sometimes life throws up romantic plots that are much more twisted and less believable than in the movies. Well, pauses can be short or long, but not always necessarily “Moscow Art Theater”.
A pause that is too long is an extreme. At a minimum, because entering into a new relationship becomes difficult, and the further you go, the more difficult it becomes. It begins to seem that being alone is easier, freer, and safer. No one will offend, no one will limit, no need to adapt to anyone. And there is less chance of making mistakes again. Life passes in pursuit of an invented, non-existent ideal; none of the real men can stand comparison with it. Anyone can hurt, and no one can guarantee that sooner or later the new relationship will not end. The fear of separation becomes prevalent. By being afraid to fail, we miss opportunities, actually limiting ourselves. And if time passes, and you are still cautious, you are left alone and cannot press the desired button, you should think about where it is and why the mechanism has been idle for so long.
Probably, the present feeling can be frightened or confused by mixing it with other feelings left over from the past. A breakup is always stressful, but how can you understand that it is love in a tense situation? It is difficult to evaluate a new relationship objectively without comparing it with the one that just ended. The secret is that the new relationship cannot be better or worse. They are different. Feel the difference.
After a divorce, new relationships are not easy. They have to juggle between work, children and household chores.
In such a rhythm, there is practically no time left to search for a new boyfriend, but even when the opportunity to go on a date arises, single mothers cannot shed the mask of a responsible parent and scan the gentleman like detectives on a special mission. And sometimes you just need to relax.
4. Don't judge his parenting skills on the first date.
Remember that you are on a date to enjoy it. Unless your child has met mom's new boyfriend, there's no reason to turn the first date into an interrogation. Just let things take their course.
5. Don’t force your child to meet your new partner
You have been dating a new man for a long time and want to introduce him to your child, but you should not do this without the child’s consent. Give your child the opportunity to get used to the idea of having a new friend and only make an acquaintance when they are both ready for it.
6. Accept that your child will still like dad better.
No matter how good your new lover is, the father is still closer to the child. After all, dad was with him from birth.
7. Don't feel guilty about new sexual intimacy.
You are a mom, but you are still a human being. You want love, and that's completely normal. You still need attention and affection. And despite the fact that the family budget, housework, and child care weigh heavily on you, you also need someone to take care of you.
If your boyfriend invites you for a nice evening out, hire a babysitter or ask your parents to watch the child. You deserve it!
8. Don't try to do everything alone
Being a single mom is hard, but you don’t have to put everything on your shoulders. When you start dating again, ask your parents, friends, people you trust to help you find the balance between being a single mom and being a single woman.
9. Don’t make an enemy
Your boyfriend is unlikely to appreciate how hostile you are towards your ex-spouse. He may think that you still care about him and may even be trying to get revenge through a new relationship.
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