If a person cannot be bought, then he can be sold.
If someone appears ready to move mountains, others will surely follow him, ready to break his neck.
If you're arguing with an idiot, he's probably doing the same thing.
If your relatives or friends don’t call you for a long time, then everything is fine with them.
If you get your ass licked, don't relax - it's lubricant!
The best alibi is to be a victim.
You can't stop living beautifully. But you can interfere...
By the time you measure seven times, others will already be cut.
It’s not enough to find your place in life, you have to find it first.
There is always a place for heroic deeds in life. You just need to stay away from this place.
The more I look in the mirror, the more I believe Darwin.
They learn from their mistakes, and make a career from others.
To save a drowning person, it is not enough to extend your hand - you need him to offer his own in return.
Positive emotions are emotions that arise if you put everything...
I remember in ’43 my legs hurt so much!.. but I bought 45 and it was fine.
The crew bids you farewell and wishes you a pleasant flight....
Don't tell me what I need to do and I won't tell you where you need to go.
An idealist is someone who, noticing that a rose smells better than cabbage, concludes that the soup made from it will be better...
So that I can see you on crutches, and you can see me with one eye!
Kalashnikov answering machine.
Of two evils, I choose the one I haven’t tried before...
The wind blew so strong that cigarettes were thrown out along with your teeth...
Microbes slowly crawled over Lefty's body, hardly dragging the horseshoes behind them...
The one who finds the exit is trampled first.
What roof doesn't like driving fast?
Every person is right in his own way. But in my opinion, no.
In the beginning there was the Word.... However, judging by how events developed further, the Word was unprintable.
How quickly time flies: you don’t even have time to wake up and you’re already late for work.
All the greats have died a long time ago, and I’m also not feeling well...
Born to crawl, he can crawl everywhere.
He went to bed and slept as hard as he could.
And then he took a knife and shot himself.
What they fertilized is what grew.
It’s good not just where we are not, but where we have never been!
A person's character can be judged by how he behaves with those who cannot be of any use to him, as well as with those who cannot fight back.
Whenever I remember that God is just, I tremble for my country.
I have infinite respect for the monstrous choice of my people.
There are three reasons for no-show: forgot, drank or scored.
And the wolves are fed, and the sheep are safe, and the shepherd has eternal memory.
The highest degree of embarrassment is two glances meeting through a keyhole.
In some, both hemispheres are protected by the skull, in others - by pants.
One head is good, but a head with a body is better.
Vasilisa the Beautiful hit the ground and broke to hell.
What a pity that you are finally leaving...
Came - thank you, left - thank you very much...
Never exaggerate the stupidity of your enemies and the loyalty of your friends...
Nothing hurts a person more than the fragments of his own happiness.
Only on your birthday do you find out how many unnecessary things there are in the world.
People are divided into those who can be relied on and those who need to be trusted.
Good always defeats evil, which means whoever wins is good.
Fortune smiles on the brave... And then laughs at them for a long time!!!
No need to run from the sniper, you'll just die tired.
Citizens! Fly with Aeroflot planes! Hurry up! There are very few of them left.
Should I help you or not interfere?
Sorry, I'm saying when you interrupt.
Laughing for no reason is a sign that you are either an idiot or a pretty girl.
A well-mannered man will not reprimand a woman who does not carry a sleeper well.
In the questionnaire that I filled out before the operation, there was a question: who to call in case of emergency.... I wrote: to a more qualified surgeon...
He does not have a face, but an object for intramuscular injections.
You don't sleep all day, don't eat all night - of course you get tired...
Friends are known in trouble, if, of course, you can find them.
A clear conscience is a sign of bad memory.
Frivolity is feeling good at your own peril.
They greeted me based on my clothes and greeted me poorly too...
Everything in this world is relative. For example, the length of a minute depends on which side of the toilet door you are on.
Scientists at Harvard University have found that white mice reproduce much better if they are not disturbed by scientists at Harvard University.
My child looks like his mother... He screams loudly, piercingly! But my eyes are guilty, running...
The most unfortunate animal is the octopus. He has legs from his ears, and his arms from his ass, and his ass itself has ears.
What a wonderful child you have! Is it a cute boy or a scary girl?
The last words of the two lion tamers: "How? I thought YOU fed them!?!"
Megalomania does not require greatness, but delusion is sufficient.
It's hard to be the last bitch - there's always someone behind you!
Some look brave because they are afraid to run away.
Life is like a piano: the key is white, the key is black... the lid.
The idea came to his mind and now his brain is persistently searching for it.
A decent person can be easily recognized by how clumsily he does mean things.
Each person is the smith of his own happiness and the anvil of someone else’s.
There are many good people in the world... But there are more of them in the next world.
The "Eva" costume suits her very well, it just needs some trimming here and there.
No matter how much you steal from the state, you still won’t get yours back!
Did you know that a thrifty housewife cuts meat for the holiday table into very thin slices? And the cunning guest eats them five at a time.
How much does a person need to be completely happy? - Few!? But only so that others have even less.
Zhvanetsky is one of those authors who manage to give thoughts a laconic, sarcastic and absolutely complete form. And most importantly, everyone recognizes themselves in his sketches - although, perhaps, we would not really like this. Below are the most striking statements and aphorisms of Mikhail Mikhailovich...
You can't stop living beautifully. But you can interfere...
The crew says goodbye to you and wishes you a pleasant flight...
There are many good people in the world. But there are more of them in the next world... 
There is always a place for heroic deeds in life. You just need to stay away from this place.
One head is good, but with a body it’s better.
It's better to be covered in sweat seven times than frost once!
I drive too fast to worry about cholesterol!
A bald spot is a clearing trampled by thoughts.
Everything is going well, just passing...
It's a shame when your dreams come true for others!
It’s not enough to know your worth—you also need to be in demand.
The idea came to his mind and now his brain is persistently searching for it.
It's hard to be the last bitch - there's always someone behind you!
No matter how much you steal from the state, you will not get yours back.
By the time you measure seven times, others will already be cut.
How quickly time flies: you don’t even have time to wake up and you’re already late for work.
Of two evils, I choose the one I haven’t tried before...
Born to crawl, he can crawl everywhere.
If you get your ass licked, don't relax - it's lubricant!
It’s good not just where we are not, but where we have never been!
Don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
He was crossing the street at a red light and was hit by an oncoming pedestrian.
Learning is light, and ignorance is pleasant twilight.
In some, both hemispheres are protected by the skull, in others - by pants.
Nothing hurts a person more than the fragments of his own happiness.
Good always defeats evil, which means whoever wins is good.
Fortune smiles on the brave... And then laughs at them for a long time!
Alcohol in small doses is harmless in any quantity.
All people are brothers, but not all are brothers.
And then he took a knife and shot himself.
The main thing is not to cross the street into the next world.
It's so difficult to think, that's why most people judge.
An optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears that this is so.
It's okay if they laugh at you. It's much worse when they cry over you.
Wisdom does not always come with age. It happens that age comes alone.
Our freedom is like a traffic light with three lights on at once.
If your relatives or friends don’t call you for a long time, it means everything is fine with them.
Positive emotions are emotions that arise when you put everything into perspective.
If someone appears ready to move mountains, others will surely follow him, ready to break his neck.
Real loneliness is when you talk to yourself all night and no one understands you.
I have infinite respect for the monstrous choice of my people.
Physical education extends life by five years, but these five years must be spent in the gym.
Friends are known in trouble, if, of course, you can find them.
A decent person can be easily recognized by how clumsily he does mean things.
What is our life: if you don’t get used to it, you’ll die, if you don’t die, you’ll get used to it.
It is better to work with love than to make love with difficulty.
It is a great happiness to see a real bloody heroic life and not participate in it.
As soon as you go on a diet, someone immediately sits down to eat next to you.
It is better to remain silent and seem like a fool than to speak up and leave no doubt about it.
Any car will last you for the rest of your life if you drive hard enough.
The highest degree of embarrassment is two glances meeting through a keyhole.
I said: either I will live well, or my works will become immortal. And life again turned towards works.
Are you happy? At different times this question was answered in different ways, but always in the negative.
Guys, if we're up to our necks in shit, let's join hands!
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Today website I chose the most striking sayings and aphorisms of my favorite satirist.
About life
- It's hard to make history, but it's easy to get into trouble.
- Fortune smiles on the brave... And then laughs at them for a long time!
- Alcohol in small doses is harmless in any quantity.
- The highest degree of embarrassment is two glances meeting through a keyhole.
- An optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears that this is so.
- Everything is going well, just passing by.
- There are no forbidden things, there are things that are not recommended.
- You want everything at once, but you get nothing gradually.
- In the beginning there was the Word.... However, judging by how events developed further, the Word was unprintable.
- You don't sleep all day, don't eat all night - of course you get tired...
- Wisdom does not always come with age. It happens that age comes alone.
- Any car will last you for the rest of your life if you drive hard enough.
- The most unfortunate animal is the octopus. He has legs from his ears, and his arms from his ass, and his ass itself has ears.
- It is better to work with love than to make love with difficulty.
- Only on your birthday do you find out how many unnecessary things there are in the world.
- A clear conscience is a sign of bad memory.
- Are you happy? At different times this question was answered in different ways, but always in the negative.
- There are no happy endings. If you're happy, it's not the end.
- It is a great happiness to see a real bloody heroic life and not participate in it.
- Happiness is seeing the toilet and having time to run to it.
- You can't stop living beautifully. But you can interfere.
- If you're arguing with an idiot, he's probably doing the same thing.
- I said: “Either I will live well, or my works will become immortal.” And life again turned towards works.
- Good always defeats evil, which means whoever wins is good.
About Russia
- Russia is a country of talents. There is a lot of talent - there is no one to work with.
- When does it feel like the whole world is lying? When they tell you on the plane that the time difference between Moscow and New York is only 8 hours.
- The history of Russia is a struggle between ignorance and injustice.
- Our freedom is like a traffic light with three lights on at once.
- We may not have anything. We may not have everything. With us, whatever you want, we may not have it.
- In a country where everyone sneaks along the fence, it is not so easy to ask for directions.
- Today the words: “There is one good program on television...” are reminiscent of a denunciation.
- A normal person in our country responds to his surroundings in only one way - he drinks. Therefore, a non-drinker is still a bastard.
- No one can lead us astray - we don’t care where to go.
About a human
About serious things
- Life is short. And you need to be able to. You have to be able to walk away from a bad movie. Throwing away a bad book. Leave a bad person. A lot of them.
- Nothing hurts a person more than the fragments of his own happiness.
- What is the writing life? Not a single thought out loud. What is writer's death? The publication.
- Well, at least five minutes a day think badly about yourself. When they think badly of you, that's one thing... But talking about yourself five minutes a day... It's like thirty minutes of running.
- Never exaggerate the stupidity of your enemies or the loyalty of your friends.
- Real loneliness is when you talk to yourself all night and no one understands you.
- Guys, if we're up to our necks in shit, let's join hands!
a site based on M. Zhvanetsky’s books “Collected works in 5 volumes”, “Favorites”, as well as materials from the satirist’s speeches.
Photo from the archive of Mikhail Zhvanetsky.
Sharp quotes, funny aphorisms from Odessa resident, satirist Mikhail Mikhailovich Zhvanetsky.
One wrong move and you're the father
What is our life: if you don’t get used to it, you’ll die, if you don’t die, you’ll get used to it.
What do you want most when you climb up? Spit down.
To save a drowning person, it is not enough to extend your hand - you need him to offer his own in return.
If a person knows what he wants, it means he either knows a lot or wants little.
If you're arguing with an idiot, he's probably doing the same thing.
What a pity that you are finally leaving...
A real family occurs when no one needs both.
Sometimes they drink because they have nothing to do, sometimes they do because they have nothing to drink, and sometimes they die because they have nothing to drink and nothing to do.
A decent person can be easily recognized by how clumsily he does mean things.
Better a small dollar than a big thank you.
Only on your birthday do you find out how many unnecessary things there are in the world.
He's an old fool. Although age has nothing to do with it.
If you can't love, stay friends!
Fools love to punish smart people. Firstly, they raise themselves. Secondly, they turn out smarter. Thirdly, everyone sees who is in charge. The only thing is that they don’t know what to do afterwards.
Everything is going well, just passing...
It’s not enough to find your place in life, you have to find it first.
Life is like a piano: the key is white, the key is black... the lid.
You sit at home - it seems like everyone is sitting at home. When you go out into the street, it seems like everyone has gone out. You get to the station and you think, well, everyone is off. In the hospital, it seems like everyone is in there; at the cemetery - everyone is dying. Well, there are a lot of us. There's enough for everything. And everywhere too much.
Old age approaches like a train: here it is still there, and now it is already here.
We promise and promise, promise and promise, but it’s still not enough for them!
We may not have anything. We may not have everything. With us, whatever you want, we may not have it.
The sick and the healthy live the same time, only the energy that the sick person spends on moving away, the healthy one spends on approaching the bright light at the end of the tunnel.
It is better to remain silent and seem like a fool than to speak up and leave no doubt about it.
How much does a person need to be completely happy? - Few!? But only so that others have even less.
Never exaggerate the stupidity of your enemies and the loyalty of your friends...
The one who finds the exit is trampled first.
Positive emotions are emotions that arise when you put everything...
Don't tell me what I need to do and I won't tell you where you need to go.
Good always defeats evil, which means whoever wins is good.
Scientists at Harvard University have found that white mice reproduce much better if they are not disturbed by scientists at Harvard University.
In some, both hemispheres are protected by the skull, in others - by pants.
An optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears that this is so.
There are three reasons for no-show: forgot, drank or scored.
It's hard to be the last bitch - there's always someone behind you!
They greeted me based on my clothes and greeted me poorly too...
There are no happy endings. If you're happy, it's not the end.
Aphorisms of Mikhail Zhvanetsky - part 1
A long live line is better than a short automatic line.
Better a belly from beer than a hump from work.
It's better to laugh at you than to cry.
It is better to remain silent and seem like a fool than to speak up and leave no doubt about it.
It is better to make love with difficulty than to make love with labor.
It's better to be covered in sweat seven times than frost once!
It's better to have lunch without an appetite than to have an appetite without lunch.
Better a small dollar than a big thank you.
One head is good, but with a body it’s better.
Aphorisms of Mikhail Zhvanetsky - part 2
The pedestrian is always right. Still alive.
He was crossing the street at a red light and was hit by an oncoming pedestrian.
Any car will last you for the rest of your life if you drive hard enough.
I drive too fast to worry about cholesterol!
Since I started driving, I have become more careful when crossing the road.
The main thing is not to cross the street into the next world.
Don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
There is a genius sleeping within each of us. And every day it gets stronger...
Learning is light, and ignorance is pleasant twilight.
It’s so difficult to think, that’s why most people judge.
Aphorisms of Mikhail Zhvanetsky - part 3
All people are brothers, but not all are brothers.
Wisdom does not always come with age. It happens that age comes alone.
A bald spot is a clearing trampled by thoughts.
A thought is only a thought when it is thought with the head.
What is most difficult for a person is what is not given to him.
You want everything at once, but you get nothing gradually.
Everything is going well, just passing by...
It's a shame when your dreams come true for others!
It’s not enough to know your worth—you also need to be in demand.
It's hard to make history, but it's easy to get into trouble.
Well, you hit the wall with your head... And what are you going to do in the next cell?
How difficult it is to crawl with your head held high!
To start from scratch, you still have to climb a long way to get there.
A pessimist is walking down the street, followed by two optimists in civilian clothes...
An optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist is afraid that
the way it is.
The lottery is the most accurate way to count the number of optimists.
If you add up a dark past with a bright future, you get a gray present.
If a person knows what he wants, it means he either knows a lot or wants little.
If a person cannot be bought, then he can be sold.
If someone appears ready to move mountains, others will surely follow him, ready to break his neck.
If you're arguing with an idiot, he's probably doing the same thing.
If your relatives or friends don’t call you for a long time, then everything is fine with them.
If you get your ass licked, don't relax - it's lubricant!
The best alibi is to be a victim.
You can't stop living beautifully. But you can interfere...
By the time you measure seven times, others will already be cut.
It’s not enough to find your place in life, you have to find it first.
There is always a place for heroic deeds in life. You just need to stay away from this place.
The more I look in the mirror, the more I believe Darwin.
They learn from their mistakes, and make a career from others.
To save a drowning person, it is not enough to extend your hand - you need him to offer his own in return.
Positive emotions are emotions that arise if you put everything...
I remember in ’43 my legs hurt so much!.. but I bought ’45 and it was fine.
The crew bids you farewell and wishes you a pleasant flight....
I would like to die like my grandfather - in his sleep... And not like his passengers - screaming in horror.
Don't tell me what I need to do and I won't tell you where you need to go.
An idealist is someone who, having noticed that a rose smells better than cabbage, concludes that the soup made from it will be better...
So that I can see you on crutches, and you can see me with one eye!
Kalashnikov answering machine.
Of two evils, I choose the one I haven’t tried before...
The wind blew so strong that cigarettes were thrown out along with your teeth...
Microbes slowly crawled over Lefty's body, hardly dragging the horseshoes behind them...
The one who finds the exit is trampled first
What roof doesn't like driving fast?
Every person is right in his own way. But in my opinion no.
In the beginning there was the Word.... However, judging by how events developed further, the Word was unprintable.
How quickly time flies: you don’t even have time to wake up and you’re already late for work.
All the greats have died long ago, and I’m not feeling well either...
Born to crawl, he can crawl everywhere.
He went to bed and slept as hard as he could.
And then he took a knife and shot himself.
What they fertilized is what grew.
It’s good not just where we are not, but where we have never been!
A person's character can be judged by how he behaves with those who cannot be of any use to him, as well as with those who cannot fight back.
Whenever I remember that God is just, I tremble for my country.
I have infinite respect for the monstrous choice of my people.
There are three reasons for no-show: forgot, drank or scored.
And the wolves are fed, and the sheep are safe, and the shepherd has eternal memory.
The highest degree of embarrassment is two glances meeting through a keyhole.
In some, both hemispheres are protected by the skull, in others - by pants.
Vasilisa the Beautiful hit the ground and broke to hell.
What a pity that you are finally leaving...
Came - thank you, left - thank you very much...
Never exaggerate the stupidity of your enemies and the loyalty of your friends...
Nothing hurts a person more than the fragments of his own happiness.
Only on your birthday do you find out how many unnecessary things there are in the world.
People are divided into those who can be relied on and those who need to be trusted.
Good always defeats evil, which means whoever wins is good.
Fortune smiles on the brave... And then laughs at them for a long time!!!
No need to run from a sniper, you'll just die tired
Citizens! Fly with Aeroflot planes! Hurry up! There are very few of them left.
Should I help you or not interfere?
Sorry, I'm saying when you interrupt.
Laughing for no reason is a sign that you are either an idiot or a pretty girl.
A well-mannered man will not reprimand a woman who does not carry a sleeper well.
In the questionnaire that I filled out before the operation, there was a question: who to call in case of emergency.... I wrote: to a more qualified surgeon...
He doesn't have a face, but an object for intramuscular injections
You don’t sleep all day, don’t eat all night – of course you get tired...
Friends are known in trouble, if, of course, you can find them.
A clear conscience is a sign of poor memory.
Frivolity is feeling good at your own peril.
They greeted me based on my clothes and greeted me poorly too...
Everything in this world is relative. For example, the length of a minute depends on which side of the toilet door you are on.
Scientists at Harvard University have found that white mice reproduce much better if they are not disturbed by scientists at Harvard University.
My child looks like his mother... He screams loudly, piercingly! But my eyes are guilty, running...
The most unfortunate animal is the octopus. He has legs from his ears, and arms from his ass, and his ass itself has ears.
- What a wonderful child you have! Is it a cute boy or a scary girl?
The last words of the two lion tamers: "How? I thought YOU fed them!?!"
Megalomania does not require greatness, but delusion is sufficient.
It's hard to be the last bitch - there's always someone behind you!
Some look brave because they are afraid to run away.
Life is like a piano: the key is white, the key is black... the lid.
The idea came to his mind and now his brain is persistently searching for it.
A decent person can be easily recognized by how clumsily he does mean things.
Each person is the smith of his own happiness and the anvil of someone else’s.
There are many good people in the world... But there are more of them in the next world...
The "Eva" costume suits her very well, it just needs some trimming here and there.
No matter how much you steal from the state, you still won’t get yours back!
Did you know that a thrifty housewife cuts meat for the holiday table into very thin slices? And the cunning guest eats them five at a time.
– How much does a person need to be completely happy? - Few! But only so that others have even less...
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