Don't feel sorry for the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and especially those who live without love
J. Rowling "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"
My story will be different from most answers to this question: there are no deaths, no disability, no what we used to consider a tragedy. I write as IMHO, if you like.
My best friend introduced me to this guy in the spring of the past year: he said that he was a good person, he had known him for a long time, etc. etc. Then we went to barbecues together, although even then something alarmed me.
What exactly was worrying me, I realized after a month or two, when I came to a meeting in the very center of the city, where many of my friends hung out. At first, we talked quite calmly with him, but then it was as if he had been replaced: he began to almost throw himself at me with his fists, being unable to explain what exactly I did (and did) to him.
Then, in a conference in one of the social networks where the participants of the above-mentioned meetings were found, he continued to express threats against me, but not only: it seems that he took up arms against the whole world; like everyone he knows owes him something. In general, in none of his messages, in any of the phrases he uttered, I saw something sincere, something positive; it seemed as if the snow queen had pierced his heart, brain and other organs and was waiting for him to form the word "Eternity" from the pieces of ice. At first, I was trying to declare his threats in the right place (because it draws on one of the articles of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation), but something stopped me.
Just the other day, I removed him from the black list and decided to make peace, because it’s still not worth entering the New Year with conflicts and grievances. At first, he seemed to treat me favorably, but then we again touched on those episodes of six months ago, after which it became clear what it was about me that infuriated him: you see, my voice is too loud, it "makes him angry" and he "gets rid of what you don't like." I tried to explain to him that the peculiarities of my speech are my nature and the result of the profession that I am mastering; after all, I don't have to meet the needs of every person I meet. But he did not give up: being 3-4 years younger than me, he continues to think that he can manage my life (I immediately recall Woland's monologue about lung sarcoma and the tram from The Master and Margarita). As a result, we pampered yes on the same ass and sat down.
I understand: there are thugs like the gang that attacked me about two years ago in the south-west of Moscow in order to rob me; there are weak-minded people who need the help of a doctor; there are teenagers who have been involved in crime almost from childhood on the basis of the “broken windows theory”. But this guy... He doesn't look like any marginal, gopnik or redneck at all.
At the XIX World Festival of Youth and Students, I saw thousands of bright, talented young people and girls. I still want to believe that our youth will really be able to make a worthy contribution to the development of our country. That is why I feel sorry for this guy: his abilities, his energy can be directed to a peaceful direction, and he is fighting people like me - people who do not harm him in any way and do not intend to do so. If his world comes down to just this, then he really is unhappy.
If you ask any of us if we know at least one absolutely happy person, only one out of a hundred will answer, of course, I know such a person, and the rest then how. Why are there more and more unhappy people. How do they become. Who needs it. There are more questions than answers. This article will initiate a future discussion, as I understand perfectly well that everyone has their own point of view. I'll start expressing mine.
- This is an individual who is dissatisfied with some sphere of his being. Most people are dissatisfied with all areas of their lives, except for one, where they really succeeded.
It can be an excellent housewife without work, an amazing mother who raised successful children, but there is no man who loves her nearby, a wonderful worker who does not have the joys of his personal life, a creative person who does not have a family. As you can see the list is endless.
In my opinion, it turns out the following, we are successful only in one area of our lives, but absolutely not successful in all the others.
unfortunate, a person becomes from childhood. The costs of raising parents lead to the fact that they raise completely unhappy children. Of course, this is not their fault, because they were once "crippled" by their own parents in this way.
What is the lack of education that makes children unhappy? The main criterion is as follows, it's just that many parents want to see their child obedient. Obedience is the first trait unfortunate person.
Many parents confuse parenting with obedience. Education is built on dialogues of trust, when something is analyzed, where certain actions are justified. Obedience is a condition. Why?
If human, obeys others, which means that he does not have his own opinion, his own desires, his own ideas for planning life. It is easy with an obedient person, he can be manipulated, which means that the manipulator can get all the benefits at the expense of unfortunate person.
Parents want their child to be obedient. They put him in front of a choice that is unspoken, but obvious: "Either you obey us, or we do not love you." All this is manifested in everything. The child is constantly told (drilled) to run quietly, learn lessons, behave modestly, be cultured - arguing sometimes with the words known to everyone:
“I won’t be friends with you”, “I don’t love you like that”, “You are like that to me - then you can continue on your own”, etc. And what is more important for a child, of course, is the love and care of parents.
So it turns out that a person from childhood is taught to be obedient, in a word, he must give up his natural, natural desires, otherwise no one will ever love him. This destructive program is laid down by most parents for their child since childhood.
is the most trained individual in the world. When a person does not experience joy, he has time for something else. For example, to find answers to his questions, to improve the skills of his specialty, to study everything that surrounds him.
Once there is a desire to move, which is noticeable only when a person has nothing else to do, then you need to become the most trainable.
the most ideal worker. Most employers value only those employees of their firm who are willing to work, from morning to night, overtime, with zeal and desire. The unfortunate individual has no spiritual desires, only physical needs remain, which can only be satisfied at the expense of money.
Where there is money, there is glory, honor (the life delusion of many) and, perhaps, what a person lacks: love, understanding and real respect. That's why unhappy the individual is a typical "workaholic".
Who constantly works not because he finds the job attractive, when he forgets about time all seven days a week, but because no one is waiting for him at home and does not like him.
is the robot of the modern world. After all, a happy person cannot be forced to do anything, against his will, he cannot be manipulated, a happy person will always say no to other views that contradict her worldview, will never stay up late, as she has her own house, where relatives and lovers are always waiting her people.
A happy person is the creator of his own happiness. He will never agree to exchange, the gift of life itself - his personal time for the satisfaction of other people's interests. And most importantly, a happy person is spiritually developed, knows how to love, he already has what he needs, which means that there is nothing to hook him with.
women's World, useful tips, hopes that you will find here the right, good, smart answers, as well as interesting information.
© All rights reserved, magazine materials women's World may only be used with the permission of the site owner.
01.12.2014
None of us are perfect. Everyone is overwhelmed with negative thoughts from time to time. But the question is whether you consider it your personal shortcoming or not. Psychology has proven that negativity is a flaw, a bad habit that needs to be fought.
University of California researcher Sonya Lubomirsky (below) wrote in Psychology Today that at least 40% of our happiness comes from ourselves.
Why only 40 percent?
The happy and unhappy mood is strongly influenced by heredity: some people are happy, others are simply unhappy by nature. Twin studies have shown that genes account for 50% of differences in happiness between people. Other scientists lift this bar up to 80%, but the majority still converges on 50%.
Circumstances can make a person happy or unhappy, but not for long and not by much. Differences in health, education levels, marital status, and the presence of big wins and losses in life account for only 10% of the difference in happiness. Both bad and good people get used to. Unfortunately, much faster. This return to a base level of happiness is what psychologists call hedonic adaptation.
A person can forge his own happiness within the remaining 40%, Lubomirsky believes. Here happiness depends on his perception and reaction to external events. Lubomirsky asked her respondents how they were affected by external events, material acquisitions, and active actions.
Based on these experiences, Lubomirski calls seven main traits and habits of chronically unhappy people.
1. Life is hard - it's the law
Happy people know that life can be quite difficult sometimes, but take the experience with curiosity and not as a victim. They take responsibility for being in a puddle and focus on how to get out of an unpleasant situation faster.
Persistence in solving an endless heap of problems is a sure sign of a happy person. Unhappy people, on the contrary, have learned in childhood that life is hard and unfair, they seem to constantly repeat: “Look what happened to me and what I had to endure.” They usually react nervously when they hear someone talking about an easy and wonderful life.
2. Most people are not trustworthy.
I won't say that you have to have healthy insight, but most happy people trust those with whom they communicate regularly. They believe in the best qualities of others. They are open and friendly. Happy people meet new people easily and appreciate the feeling of belonging to a community.
Unhappy people, on the other hand, do not trust most others. And they don't open up to them. They assume that strangers always want to trick them. Unfortunately, this habit sooner or later ends in loneliness. And loneliness is one of the main reasons for the eternally gloomy mood.
3. Concentration on the horrors and bad sides of this world
There is a lot of evil in the world, and, unfortunately, many people think and talk about it too often. When you discuss world problems with people, and each of your positive messages comes across “yes, but ...”, then you are talking to a deeply unhappy person.
Happy people also like to talk about global issues, but they usually talk not about wars, conflicts and global warming, but about new technologies, progress, economic prospects.
4. Eternal comparison of oneself with others, causing envy and resentment
Unhappy people do not consider the success of others as luck. They believe that successful people lack kindness and supposedly an understanding that they are "just lucky." This triggers their emotional mechanism for the emergence of jealousy and resentment.
Happy people know that luck and external circumstances are only part of their success. Happy people know that they are creating something that no one can steal from them. They believe in unlimited possibilities.
5. Vigilantly ensure that nothing bad happens, constantly control your life
There is a significant difference between the manic desire for control and the desire to achieve goals. Happy people try every day to do something that will bring them closer to a good future, and understand that for this they will have to neglect some aspects of their lives.
Unhappy people, on the contrary, worry about everything at once, worry that in the future everything may be worse than it is, and try to "keep everything under control." This mode of constant vigilance and anxiety is very draining.
The key to happiness is to stay focused and focused, and not constantly think about what bad things can happen. Learn concentration!
6. The future causes anxiety and fear
Unhappy people fill the space between their ears with thoughts of what else could go wrong. Happy people, on the other hand, allow themselves to “forget” about some of the dangers in the future and tune in to the best. They, of course, also sometimes worry about "whatever happens", but there is a big difference between "sometimes" and "always".
7. Communication is gossip and complaining
Unhappy people would like to live in the past. All they talk about about themselves is deprivation and hardship. When they don't have them, they simply won't have anything to tell.
Happy people live in the present moment and dream about the future. When you talk to them, you feel positive vibrations emanating from them. They are glad that they have a job, grateful that they have hope. And, yes, they talk about successes, not about the failures and embarrassments of others. Although they rarely discuss other people at all.
Reference: Sonya Lubomirsky is a professor at the University of California, Riverside. Today, she is a global authority on happiness research. In 1976, her parents took her from the USSR to the USA.
, .Probably the very first thing that distinguishes a happy person from an unhappy one is the tendency to focus on the opinions of others. When a person recognizes the inner voice and his own inclinations as insignificant factors, if he is guided in everything by what authoritative people say or dictates by public opinion, then this naturally makes him unhappy. You can't live up to someone else's standards, no matter how hard you try. As Oscar Wilde said, you have to be yourself, because other places are already taken.
Understanding this moment is characteristic of happy people. They build their lives according to their own needs and do what they see fit. This does not mean a lack of ability to compromise, it simply speaks of the way a happy person sets goals for himself.
perfectionism
Yes, oddly enough, but perfectionism does not contribute to the achievement of happiness. It would seem, do your job as best as possible, will it bring satisfaction? But whatever a man does, he will never consider it good enough. In fact, the perfectionist does not understand that in the real world there is no place for complete perfection. He is closer to a dreamer than a realist. Empty dreams that do not come true make such a person unhappy.
Happy people look at everything more rationally. They understand that the solution of each task implies a number of requirements for the quality of execution. It is important to match them, and if you do a little better, you will be considered an excellent specialist. You can't jump over your head. When a person understands this, his successes bring him joy.
negative thinking
This is a very important factor. When a person is set to see only the bad around, he simply does not notice the happy opportunities that life gives him. Sad thoughts have never improved anyone's life. A person becomes unhappy, moreover, it becomes a habit with him.
Happy people are wired differently. They rejoice in every little thing. Everywhere they see good opportunities and favorable circumstances, even in defeats and failures. Any failure, in their opinion, is an opportunity to learn something and do everything right next time.
Problems and Solutions
Unhappy people think about their difficulties. They are ready to list life's troubles for hours, from time to time asking: why did all these misfortunes fall on them? Happy people think differently. They see the problem and instead of whining, they think about how it can be solved. Not only that, once a solution is found, such a person will do whatever it takes to make it a reality.
If you find any signs of an unhappy person in yourself, no need to be upset. Right now, think about how to solve this problem. You can go from the camp of losers to the lucky ones at any time, and it only depends on what is in your head.
Incredible Facts
The producers of Coca-Cola make their consumers believe that there is happiness in a small bottle of the drink. Advertising of the drink is also associated with the most pleasant moments - it appears at picnics, in the movies, as well as in the hands of the closest ones. In Africa, the relationship between happiness and cola is not only a marketing ploy for greater benefits. Indeed, during the war and political struggle that has been observed in recent years in many African countries, sales of the drink also decreased, but as soon as the situation more or less stabilized, the consumption of cola also increased.
Still, drinking cola is not the best way to measure happiness. However, this example confirms the existence of a connection between the emotional state of a person and his behavior, that is, our feelings often influence our actions. Confidence, for example, contributes to a higher level of socialization of a person, while apathy leads to emptiness.
However, it is not always easy to interpret emotions. When people are asked if they are happy, most prefer to answer positively. They may not show signs of happiness, however, they prefer to describe themselves as "almost happy" rather than "unhappy". At the same time, the US National Institutes of Health reports that more than 20 million people in the US suffer from depression.
While depression cannot be equated with unhappiness, there is nevertheless some disunity in reporting and actual levels of happiness. In this case, it may seem that negative emotions take over. After understanding this and taking appropriate measures, a person can return to the path of joy.
5. You spend too much time watching TV.
Often a stressful day is preceded by a night in front of the TV. This is not a problem if you sometimes want to relax and plunge into watching a reality show or some kind of melodrama. But if the situation repeats from night to night, then you should stop watching TV altogether for a while. According to a 2008 study, excessive TV viewing is a sign of unhappiness.
Since 1972, researchers at the University of Chicago have been conducting general social surveys to assess the climate of happiness in the United States. Regardless of education, income level, marital status, or age, those who were happier watched 30 percent less TV time than those who reported less happiness.
On average, happy respondents watched 19 hours of TV per week, as opposed to the 25 hours reported by less happy participants. Instead of laying on the couch and turning on the TV, look to happy people. In their free time, they go out with friends and do useful things.
4. Problematic relationships
A sure sign of growing discouragement is turning points in a relationship. More unhappy people may have a harder time resolving contentious issues, as well as analyzing their impact on the future of a relationship. At the same time, when the relationship begins to "turn sour", the feeling of discontent only increases.
Happy people spend more time interacting with other people in one way or another. This is evidenced by the results of all studies conducted on the topic of happiness, that is, the deeper and wider the social ties of a person, the more satisfied he is with his life. For example, studies show that married people tend to be happier than single people. Yet happy people are more likely to get married.
You can also reap the benefits by connecting with friends and family through social media. One of the virtual projects that assessed the relationship between happiness and communication in social networks concluded that the level of human happiness can be increased through online communication platforms.
3. Uncontrollable stress
According to positive psychology, or the science of subject well-being, the environment plays an important role in our awareness of being happy. A sense of security and comfort breeds satisfaction. Conversely, an overly stressful environment contributes to the development of anxiety and insecurity. For example, a study that analyzed controlled and uncontrolled stress found that the latter tends to lead to the development of feelings of tension, in which a person does not feel happy. While stress is a driving factor in achieving a goal, much of it can negatively affect a person's sense of happiness.
One recent example of the impact of stress is the paradoxical shift in “happiness levels” among American women over the past 35 years. Despite the progress that women have made in recent decades, their overall level of personal well-being has declined. Researchers explain this by the fact that women have to be torn between family and career. A separate study on how people spend their time found that men are happier than women because they spend less time on less enjoyable tasks.
While we cannot completely eliminate stress from our lives, some principles of positive psychology can help alleviate its symptoms. In particular, positive thinking, mindfulness, and optimism are the emotional antidote to stress. When you feel that stress is setting in, replace the hours in front of the TV with walks in the park and try some relaxation techniques.
2. Constant search for pleasure
In the late 1970s, a group of psychologists led by Philip Brickman came up with startling findings about people and happiness. When comparing happiness levels among two groups of people, one with lottery winners and the other with paralyzed people, the experts concluded that happiness levels changed little in both groups over time. Researchers explain this phenomenon by talking about the adaptive functioning of the human spirit, that is, over time, a person acclimatizes to circumstances, whether it is something inspiring positive or, conversely, something very bad.
In the case of the lottery winners, sudden wealth did not improve their happiness levels in the long run. Instead, people can fall into the trap that Brickman called the "hedonic treadmill," which stands for an endless search for something bigger and better that can bring them pleasure. The problem that causes this constant desire to seek pleasure is inner emptiness. By definition, pleasure is something very short, which quickly leaves us, making us want more. Satisfaction, on the other hand, means that a person appreciates what he has.
1. Sleepless nights
After a sleepless night, you finally manage to fall asleep in the morning. After a few moments, the alarm rings and you have to get up. Needless to say, this is not the best start to the day. One study looked at mood swings in 909 women throughout the day. In addition to work-related stress, lack of sleep and poor quality sleep were the top reasons why women felt unhappy.
In addition, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan calculated that an extra hour of sleep each night is equal to the level of happiness a person feels if he receives an annual income increase of $ 60,000. This spectacular effect seems to be related to brain chemistry. A sleep-deprived brain is more sensitive to the effects of the stress hormone cortisol.
The link between sleep and happiness begs the question of cause and effect: Does bad sleep make us unhappy, or does our unhappy state prevent us from getting good sleep? It probably depends on the individual situation. Someone who works 60 hours a week may be suffering from overwork and thus have difficulty sleeping. On the other hand, symptoms of unhappiness such as stress and watching TV do not contribute to good sleep.
Loading...