Women face a problem when it is difficult to let someone into their lives, to trust, to open up. Why does some of the experience of betrayal remain a scar for life, while others can trust, despite the past?
How to learn to trust men? How to open up despite the fear of getting burned? How to get out of the role of the victim?
What is "trust"?
Trust is the ability to rely on something or someone. Trusting doesn't mean someone has to live up to your expectations. This does not mean that the man will guess how much you relied on him. This does not mean that he should do as you come up with.
And betrayal is not when he did not according to your plan, which, perhaps, was not aware of.
Why are women afraid to trust?
Because they are waiting for the perfect prince, who will be a wonderful loving husband who will never leave or betray. Just how close is such a childish romantic fantasy to modern reality?
If a woman has already had a negative experience, when the prince turned out to be not a prince, did stupid things, did not understand the woman's desires ... How can she trust someone next, hanging old patterns on a new man?
Women do not trust, because they are afraid to find themselves in the same unpleasant situation again, to be afraid to rely on a man completely, to give up control.
How is a woman's mistrust expressed?
- In a banal phrase: “Men can not be trusted”, “All men cheat” or “Men only need one thing” ... Well, how, after such attitudes, to achieve female disposition, if initially a certain label was hung on a man ?;
- looking for a catch. “Why did he give me flowers, wants sex?”, “Is he too kind today, what has he done?”;
- in checking your chosen one, spying on every step, information about all calls and contacts from the phone book;
- in refusing to accept help. For example, controlling a man when he suddenly decided to cook dinner;
- in criticism, that a woman puts herself in a more "status" position.
How to trust?
To trust is to be vulnerable. This means that you can be hurt, hurt, hurt. But without this, you will never be truly loved.
Is it possible to open up to a person who has a protective armor on his heart? Is it easy to associate with a woman who is always trying to control? Who does not take risks, is not too frank and close?
Psychologist Ekaterina Prischepa states: “If you don’t trust, then you are constantly“ on guard ”and waiting for a catch. There are no universal lessons on trust. But statistics say that mistrust, jealousy and suspicion are the first reasons for divorce. "
Forgive yourself
You may be angry with yourself for not trusting yourself. Or dissatisfied. Or offended. Forgive yourself. Give yourself time to think and understand what made you trust.
Yaroslav Samoilov, an expert in relationship psychology, says: "Most likely, you trusted the man because you wanted to be loved."
And in relationships, vulnerability goes along with trust. Accept this. If you were betrayed or deceived, this does not mean that now you need to put up a defense and not let anyone in. This means that different people meet in life.
You are not a victim
- only you yourself can make yourself a victim;
- only you yourself can make yourself happy;
- only you yourself can make yourself feel something, no one else.
If you say that a man disappointed you, you put him higher, give him power over your emotional state. Forget all phrases like: "I will never be happy", "I can no longer trust", "All men cheat."
Only you are responsible for your condition. Both happy and unhappy.
Practices
Stop watching soap operas, series with love triangles. Discard your friends' stories and advice. Stop inventing things that don't even exist. Rely on proven facts, not your fantasies. Communicate more with your loved one, put yourself in his place.
If something seems suspicious, discuss it.
conclusions
- Understand what “trust” means to you;
- forgive yourself;
- take responsibility for your emotional state;
- refuse advice from other people;
- rely only on facts;
- talk to your partner.
You cannot predict everything in life, but by concentrating on the negative, you do not let a lot of positive, light and kind things into your life!
Based on materials: yaroslav-samoylov.com, sympaty.net, ivona.bigmir.net
How to build trust in a relationship and how to learn to trust a man. Useful advice from a psychologist that will help you understand a rather difficult situation.
Trust is the foundation for intimate relationships. In a sense, it gives a sense of stability between partners. Trust is based on a mutual understanding of what partners expect from each other.
Mature partners clearly know how to define thin boundaries separating acceptable behavior in a relationship and some taboos that are prohibited. What does this mean? Let us clarify that if you are sure that your partner will not go beyond any certain limits, you will have an increase in the level of trust in him and the feeling. Determining such boundaries is extremely important, because without it we cannot fully trust our partner.
There are many relationship models. However, to build a relationship based on trust, you should follow these guidelines:
1. Speak openly about your expectations
When we are intoxicated with love, partners pay attention only to mutual similarities and "close their eyes" to many of the partner's shortcomings that can lead to conflict. For example, what do you define for yourself under the concept of treason? We cannot usually read other people's minds. And we cannot know what betrayal means for every person, what line he draws between temporary infatuation and betrayal in a relationship. What actions of a partner can be considered cheating, and what are not. You must discuss in advance which behaviors are acceptable to you and which are not.
Why women don't trust a man
2. Don't be afraid to talk about your suspicions
It is not healthy or beneficial when people are silent about their fears and suspicions of their partner, trying to maintain the appearance of a relationship for the sake of love. When you do not talk about your problems, the incomprehensible situations that arise most often lead to contention. If you have any suggestions or concerns about your partner, you better let them know. Try to solve the problem together. To be honest about any problems, it is quite possible that soon you will be able to solve your problems together. Only by discussing the problem together can you overcome unfounded fears.
3. Be open to each other.
Opening up completely to others is not easy, which tends to lead to a fear of insecurity. Some people, especially those who have been "hurt" in the past, are afraid to talk about their fears and show their partner their weaknesses. Many cannot admit their feelings, as they are under the threat of being again. This behavior creates certain difficulties for building trusting relationships. Trust will only come when we share our fears and weaknesses with a partner. In return for our openness, we will receive understanding and support, and with it love.
4. Everyone has the right to privacy
Trust is not required to share completely the partner's former personal life. You have the right not to talk about all the details of your previous relationship, you have the right to privacy and intimacy. A tactless question about the details of the past can serve as distrust and lead to misunderstandings between partners. Partners who trust each other have no right to interfere with a past life and ask for intimate details, which is important in a new relationship.
Stephen Covey, a renowned psychoanalyst, identifies 13 factors of your behavior with a partner to build trust and intimacy. Here they are.
1. Speak the truth- being honest and sincere in your relationships with other people will never create a false impression of you.
2. Show respect- Caring for others and showing you care builds trust in relationships.
3. Be sincere- speak the truth and be honest, do not hide any information or your intentions.
4. Don't hide mistakes- for example, if you have broken something, it is better to repent and apologize, do not try to hide the damage that you accidentally caused.
5. Be faithful- appreciate the loyalty of your partner and pay him the same.
6. Show your skills- if you know how to do something, do not neglect responsibilities, but also do not promise more than you can do.
7. Build your competence- with interesting plans for the future, they are always interesting to others. Make plans together - build trust and a sense of security in your partner.
8. Deal with difficulties- try to solve any problems that arise together.
9. Discuss future plans- discuss your expectations and plans for the future, tell your partner about your ideas. Thus, you will always have support and mutual understanding.
10. Be responsible- be responsible yourself and demand accountability from others.
11. Learn to listen to your partner- listen before making an assessment; try to understand the other person.
12. Keep your commitments- we keep our promises. You must not break those promises.
13. Trust in a partner- trust people who deserve it. Do not look for fictional incriminating evidence on your partner. After all, mistrust is primarily capable of destroying even the most true love.
Paying attention to these simple tips from famous psychologists, you will eventually learn the art of trusting a man.
Trust is the foundation of happy family relationships. It is to this opinion that not only psychologists come, but also all those who are bound by the knot.
But, unfortunately, trust is a fragile thing, like a crystal vase: one careless movement and only fragments remain from it. And then we run to a psychologist with loud statements “I don’t trust my husband”. Or we ask for advice on social networks.
Where does distrust come from?
Trust is that essential component, without which no normal human relationship is possible. Whether it's friendship, love, family, etc. If you do not trust your partner, then you constantly expect some kind of trick from him.
This means that you are constantly in a nervous and stressful state. But it also says that you have taken off your rose-colored glasses a long time ago and are ready to face the trouble one-on-one.
You may not trust your husband for a number of reasons:
1. Poor experience of previous relationships.
You were already married, and this union broke up due to the betrayal of your husband? Or, at the age of 17, when you were covered with a wave of first love, your chosen one was playing a "double game", still meeting with your girlfriend?
In any case, you have a negative experience of past relationships that haunts you to this day. And your husband can be a model of loyalty and devotion, but your inner "I" cannot forget the past and learn to trust the present.
2. Forgiven, but not forgotten.
And it also happens that your husband stumbled and cheated on you, humiliated, insulted. Or you have committed some other act that has sunk deep into your soul. Time passed, and you still forgave your husband. But you cannot forget it. So, you expect it to happen again.
3. Low self-esteem.
Very common among married women, especially during maternity leave. When you devote whole days to your child, washing, cooking and cleaning, and there is no time left for yourself. And then more and more often you find flaws in yourself.
That added a couple of extra pounds, then bags under the eyes from regular lack of sleep, then there is no time even to wash when the baby is sick. Meanwhile, your husband, shaven, smelling of new perfume and in your ironed clothes, goes to the next corporate party or a meeting of classmates. And after he leaves, you find a few more shortcomings in yourself and several reasons for mistrust in him.
3. "Stigma in the gun."
You do not refuse to flirt on a social network with your former classmate, who beat you with a textbook at school, and now he is pouring compliments at you? Or maybe you don’t refuse to have a cup of coffee with your “ex”, because you parted as friends?
Perhaps this is indeed an innocent flirtation and just a cup of coffee. Or maybe you, deep down, hope for a sequel. Exclusively for raising self-esteem. And most likely you do not exclude the possibility that your husband is just as nicely talking to a neighbor from the fifth floor or having lunch in the company of a nice colleague. And how can you learn to trust your husband when you don't trust yourself?
4. Feigned distrust.
And it also happens that we get bored in life: no work, no hobbies, and children spend whole days in the garden or school. But on TV there are just a lot of interesting serials. So what, that cheap and completely implausible. But there are such love passions - you will swing. And now you begin to "try" this series on your life, looking for proofs of the infidelity of your half that you have invented.
And these are not all the reasons due to which mistrust arises in our life. How to get rid of them and learn to trust your loved one again? Let's try to figure it out.
How to get trust back in your life?
Alas, as of today, there are no definite lessons of trust. You either trust or you don’t. And if your relationship has not gone too far, and there is no trust, then it may be better to part, so as not to torment each other. What if you don't trust your husband? Do not destroy the family because of their complexes or far-fetched situations?
Here are some tips to help you at least get on the path to restoring trust:
- If you have a lot of free time to "invent" various infidelities for your husband, then find something to your liking. It doesn't matter what it will be: dancing, playing the violin, going to the gym or driving lessons. The main thing is that you have less time left for unnecessary TV shows that direct your thoughts in the wrong direction. And you will spend your time with benefit.
- If you are so busy with your child and homework that you don't even have enough time for sleep, then it's time to unload yourself. And set aside time for yourself. At least one hour a day. If the husband cannot sit with the little one at this time, then ask your parents, godfather, girlfriend, or just hire a nanny for just an hour. And give yourself some relaxation: take a bath, get a manicure, face mask or peel. The main thing is that it will give you positive emotions and raise your self-esteem.
- Try to find time to meet old friends. Gossip, drink a bottle of wine, dance. Such gatherings will cheer you up and distract you from bad thoughts.
- Stop nagging your husband and blaming him for all sins. Try to surround him with care, attention and understanding. You will see, he will definitely answer you in kind. And next time, instead of fishing or football, he will decide to spend an evening in a warm family circle.
Video "What Kills Love"
If you have "tried" everything, and the trust has not returned, but you want to keep the family, then try to contact a psychologist. A professional will definitely figure it out in your particular case, and, of course, will help you. The main thing is not to despair, because everything in life can be fixed.
How to let go of the fear of new relationships and learn to trust men again? Does the return of trust depend on how much he disappointed you and the number of fragments your heart was broken into? Where to get a guarantee that he will not do it again?
I am sure that you, many women, will want to know the answers to these very similar questions.
Do you want to know where they came from in this article? From my mailbox and personal consultations with women who asked for help in solving relationship problems. Including about help with the return of lost trust:
"How to learn to trust a man after what he did to me?"
"My ex, how can I trust men after this?"
“I met a man via the Internet, he Lied to me and tried to force me to send him money. How can I trust the guys again after that? "
“I thought my boyfriend wanted the same happy future together as I do. But instead of proposing to me, he broke up with me. I devoted my best years to him and received nothing in return. "
I am sure there are many similar claims.
How to learn to trust men after that?
Many women with hearts needing to heal their wounds get stuck somewhere in between assuming that "All men are bastards" and the ever-fading hope of meeting the prince on his thorny path in life.
If you've ever felt anything like this, keep reading this article and find out how just 3 easy steps will teach you to trust men again, no matter how badly your heart has been hurt in the past.
Step 1. Stop confusing trust in a man with the hope of a meeting "Prince charming"
Let's start with a simple question.
What "confidence"?
How is it? There's an answer? Does it fit in 10 words or less? Or has your heart started beating desperately, and your brain is simply confused by the scraps of phrases that come to mind? I asked this question to many women and almost all of them found it difficult to say what it means to them. "confidence" to a man. Why?
Because (this may sound a little cruel) from a male point of view most women cannot learn "trust" men, because they simply do not know the meaning of this word.
Let's take a look at the definition of this word from the glossary:
Trust (verb): to rely on something or someone, or to be confident in someone or something.
As a man I can say that for me "trust" means to someone to be sure that he or she will ...
- do what he says;
- to act in accordance with their nature;
- my cover in conflict or matters of the heart;
- try to cause me trouble as little as possible and respect my decisions.
"Confidence"
does not mean (and cannot mean) that that he (in fact!) is not even aware of. Yes, there are different experiences of relationships, different situations from the past, which became the reason that it is quite difficult for you to learn to trust men again.
Especially if you were in a relationship that ended with the betrayal of your husband or loved one. But consider that he cannot represent all men in general.
And here is the first truth for you: many women think they are "Can never trust a man again" will not be able to find one worthy of her trust , because they are looking "Prince charming", which was dreamed of even as little girls. But who said that a man can only be trusted if he could become the prince of your childhood fantasies?
Do you really expect a man to treat you like a Goddess, not look at other women, shower you with gifts of gifts, become an ideal lover, tell you his deepest secrets, kill dragons for you, want what you want what he wants, even if he really doesn't want to? ( The last words made my brain start to melt, despite the fact that I constantly hear about these ordinary female desires). If so, it will be difficult for you to find and trust a man who matches the above.
Step 2. Forgive yourself for letting a man destroy your trust
The reason many women have problems trusting men is not because "All men are goats" or something like that ... The reason is shame. Hasn't your face just turned red? Mine turned red. Why? Because shame is a terrible emotion and a very powerful word.
Let's take a look at why women are afraid to trust a man. There are reasons for this:
- Fear that if you give a man the power to hurt you (and to love someone is to give it), you will be hurt and devastated again. Your subconscious mind says: “The last time I trusted a man, he hurt me. If I no longer trust men, they will no longer be able to hurt me! ".
- Shame that comes from realizing that you acted stupidly by trusting the guy who destroyed your trust (or simply could not live up to your expectations).
That is why you frantically start looking for information in a search engine, checking your credit history, criminal history and zodiac sign compatibility for every man you like a little.
That's why You try to find reasons to give up any relationship. even when they haven't started yet. Because your subconscious mind doesn't want to feel again "not right".
And from the point of view of your subconscious "Mistrust of a man" actually makes sure you never feel ashamed in front of yourself for feeling stupid again if you trust the wrong guy again.
That's why You need to forgive yourself right now.
I will give you a hint: I suppose that they believed because they wanted to be loved.
A being loved means giving another person the power to hurt you.
If a man has hurt you in the past, do not think that you can no longer trust any male human being. It only means that in that particular case you took a risk, and that risk could not reward you with the eternal love that you dreamed of.
Listen to me: - does not mean to be "Stupid", no matter how badly he might betray you or hurt you. There is no shame in the fact that you succumbed to ordinary human desires.
Question to the psychologist:
Hello. I really need help. Life has reached a dead end. She has been married for 12 years. There is a daughter of 8 years old. Recently, family relationships have been very spoiled. I suspect him of treason and completely stopped trusting him. It has been hanging on a dating site for a year, but I didn't take it seriously. In the summer I went on a business trip for 2 days. During this time, he bought himself a phone with the Internet. And away we go. He rushes about with him as with a written sack, never leaves him. There was a booze and he did not come to sleep. Then the tipsy one cried that he had cheated on me and that I would not forgive him. The relationship became complicated. There were night calls. I checked the number - it was a woman. Then everything got better somehow. But he constantly tries to offend me, says that I need to lose weight. I have a really small tummy. But I understand that this is not the reason ... Recently he was again absent for the night. He said that he drank beer with friends, he sent me an SMS. I don’t really believe it. It hurts a lot, as if you were punched in the stomach. I sobbed with despair. It's stupid, because I have someone to live for - this is a daughter. She suffers greatly from our quarrels. And she said that mom you are quarreling because there is no trust between you. You don't trust your dad and he won't trust you. I want to somehow deal with this situation. He invited me to live separately, although I agreed, but mentally I am not ready for this. Understanding nothing. He sleeps with me as before. But there is still a barrier. There are no just touches, he rarely hugs ... It's difficult with me, I have always controlled everything. I'm a nanny in the company. My friends say that I ran him down with control. He lived on a work-home routine for 12 years. I hate myself for my actions. I hacked into his page on a dating site and classmates. I didn't find anything wrong there. The only girls with whom he communicates are much younger than him. I removed the ladies' phones from his phone. When he discovered this, it was a difficult conversation. I explained my act by a momentary weakness, said that I regret it. And he stayed at home. Help me let go of the situation. Stop imposing on him. And regain interest in yourself.
Psychologist Natalya Gennadevna Garkavaya answers the question.
Hello Olga.
People want to control because we all want to feel safe. If things are not going the way we would like, we try to tighten control. Thus, a person feels his importance and significance.
The habit of controlling everything creates the illusion of confidence, security, and is associated with inner strength.
We want to be strong, and when we feel vulnerable, insecure, then unconsciously, to compensate, we take the position of a controller.
Loss of control is associated with catastrophe for many. But everything is different. Struggle and tension are not the norm. It takes a huge amount of mental and physical strength to maintain constant control. Peace, acceptance, understanding - make it possible to live easily, calmly, joyfully.
The essence of controlling behavior is an established psychological habit. In order for it to disappear from life, it is necessary to form another.
If you try to calm down, abstract yourself, think carefully about everything, you can find many other options for behavior.
Make compromises, be sure to listen to your husband's point of view.
Develop, have your own personal area of interest, hobbies, activities.
When it is customary in a family to say compliments to each other, there are always topics for calm communication, which means that there will be less jealousy.
It is necessary to build and maintain an atmosphere of trust in the family. Respect each other's privacy. Control only fuels jealousy in family relationships.
Spend more time together. Try to get your family to go to a variety of recreational activities.
Be attractive to your spouse. It is about both external appearance and internal development. Take care of yourself, learn to love yourself.
If you are not ready to live separately now, then stay in the family, talk to your husband, think about everything thoroughly.
Your daughter is right - trust is very important in a relationship. Children love both parents and rejoice with them when everything is fine at home. You can make up, have a family holiday dinner, take a weekend walk with your family. You have created the barrier yourself. If it is necessary to keep the family together, forgive your husband, forgive and do not blame yourself for anything.
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