A monkey sits on the river bank, looking at the water. A crocodile swims past and thinks: “Now I’ll ask if she got married or not? If she says she left, I’ll say: who took you so scary? If she says she didn’t come out, I’ll say: of course, who will take such a terrible one?”
Swims to shore:
- Hey, monkey! Well, did you get married?
- Yeah, you’ll get married here when there are only such crocodiles swimming in the river!
Who among us has not been at a loss from time to time in the face of unceremonious questions? Who doesn’t know the feeling of powerlessness in the face of the poisonous tongue of familiar wits? Who hasn't felt awkward when someone insults him with a word? And indeed, in life there are people who try to assert themselves with these weapons, often humiliating others. It often happens that our friends and relatives, wittingly or unwittingly, wound our soul with a sharp word. It happens that people behave unceremoniously in communication, without noticing what they are doing.
It is well known that a word can hurt, hit, they say, even kill. The word is the most powerful weapon! And if this weapon is also sharply sharpened, then it is even more dangerous. Humor has magical property psychologically destroy everything it is aimed at. Ridiculing devalues any object, makes it insignificant, insignificant, funny, this is precisely the essence of this virtual weapon. Humor directed at a person psychologically hurts his self-esteem, devalues his personality in the eyes of other people, mentally hurts and scratches.
And we don’t always have the words to defend our dignity in such situations. Heinrich Heine also said: “Since it went out of fashion to carry a sword, it is absolutely necessary to have a sharp tongue!”
How does a person usually behave when he finds himself in such a situation? One of the typical reactions is irritation or even aggression. But such a reaction, of course, is a sign of weakness and powerlessness; an irritated person loses his reputation in the eyes of others. Other typical reaction- numbness, embarrassment, the person hesitates, does not find what to answer or answers stupidly and banally. Of course, in the eyes of those around him, he also looks weak, if not pathetic. Another one possible reaction to tactlessness or wit addressed to oneself - withdrawal from communication, avoidance. What do people think of a man who left the battlefield? It is, of course, unnecessary to explain: it is associated with cowardice. In any case, having rummaged through your pockets for a word and not finding any successful answer there, a person usually feels uncomfortable and somewhat humiliated.
It is very important in such situations to find a witty, at least creative, in other words, a creative, original, unconventional answer. It is this answer that presents you to those around you as a person with intelligence and a sharp mind. It is desirable that the wit be proportionate, that is, it does not hurt beyond what the opponent deserves, but also sobers him up sufficiently.
As an example, Winston Churchill’s witty response in the English State Parliament remains in history. One lady opponent, in the heat of political controversy, got personal and allowed herself the following attack: “If you were my husband, I would pour poison into your glass!” To this Churchill instantly replied: “If I were your husband, I would drink it immediately!”
The great footballer Maradona gave a good answer at a press conference:
— How would you comment on Pele’s statement that he does not consider you a good coach?
- Time will tell, but let Pele go back to the museum!
Another example of a successful answer. Famous singer Anna German did not like it when people hinted at her high growth. Once a “starred” entertainer at a concert allowed himself the following tactlessness: “Tell me, how many meters are you?” The answer put him in his place: “It doesn’t matter how many meters, the important thing is that I am certainly taller than you...”.
Let's look at a number of more typical tactless or offensive questions and look for good answers to them. We found many of the answers at trainings on creativity and wit in speech, according to the principle - one head is good, but brainstorming is better. And now we have a happy opportunity to use the received options in life. And if you grasp the main principles of searching for answers, then you yourself will be able to find brilliant answers to any questions.
It would seem a good and completely innocent question - “Hello! How are you?" But, on the other hand, such a pattern shows that a person does not even want to strain his brain and make an effort to find a more interesting option for starting a conversation. Most often, this is an indicator of narrow-mindedness or the insignificance of other people for this person. You can get off with “Normal”, but you can remember or create a witty option:
- Have not given birth yet…
- Business in the Kremlin, but we have business...
- They go by your prayers...
You can use the counter question method:
- What business do you mean?
- What exactly interests you?
“Are you just asking or are you really interested?”
One of best options avoiding an uncomfortable or sensitive question is precisely the method of counter-questioning. It forces the opponent himself to think and look for an answer. Homework in the form of counter questions is as follows:
- But why are you asking?
- For what purpose are you interested?
- Why do you want to know this?
— How will you use this information?
I have always been touched by people who, when asked from the phone “Tell me, where did I end up?” They answered honestly: “This is the Ivanovs’ apartment.” Can you imagine what will happen next? Usually such an honest answer provokes the following series of unceremonious questions:
- What is your number?
— How long have you lived here?
- Where did the Petrovs go?
The best answer to the question “Tell me, where did I end up?” will be just the method of counter-questioning: “Where are you calling?”
It turns out that the honest answer is not always the best. The Cheshire Cat tried to teach us this using the example of Alice:
- Tell me, dear Cat, where should I go?
- And it depends on where you want to go, girl...
- But I don’t care where I go!
- Well, then it doesn’t matter where to go...
Of course, the form and degree of severity of the response depends on specific situation: on the degree of impudence of the question, on your relationship with your opponent, on the degree of your patience with your opponent - is he also a person? But it's all on the level common sense, which I hope the reader is not deprived of...
Let's consider one of the most tactless questions for women: “How old are you?” You can answer banally - they say, “all mine,” but you can find more witty replies:
- The same number of winters...
- The main thing is not how much, but which ones...
— Carlson’s method: “I am a woman in her prime...”
- Using the counter question method: “How much would you give?”
Another “good” question: “Oh, have you gained weight?” Humorous answer options:
- No, I’m just after lunch...
- No, it’s just that you’ve lost weight...
- I haven’t gained weight, I’ve gotten better...
- You can answer with a counter question: “What, don’t you like it?”
Another “women’s question”: “Girl, are you married?” Options:
- I’m not “for”, I’m “with” my husband...
- That’s not the right word, I have a whole harem of husbands!
- Counter question: “Do you doubt it?”, “Did you think no one would take me?”, “Do you want to make me an offer?”
Well, and the record-breaking question among stupid templates: “What are you doing tonight?” Options:
- I'm robbing a bank...
— I fight off annoying fans...
— I’m celebrating my husband’s anniversary...
- Same as yesterday...
However, if you are free and there is a feeling that the person is not completely lost to society, you can forgive the platitudes and help:
- What can you offer?
- It depends on what you want...
One of the brightest participants in the training tested those who tried to get to know her with her favorite homemade preparation: “I’m considering offers interesting men..." If he did not get lost and quickly responded with an interesting answer, he grew greatly in her eyes.
A universal question for men and women, usually after a vacation: “Well, did you hook anyone?” How can you answer? For example, the monkey’s response from the joke:
- You’ll get caught here when only crocodiles are swimming...
- Yes, the fishing spots have already been snapped up...
- Yes, I didn’t catch it, I caught it with a net...
- What, you didn’t believe in me?!
- I would tell you, but I’m afraid you’ll be jealous...
- Why should I, everyone was just waiting for you!
Another question that can confuse both a man and a woman. Usually follows from the second half: “Did you have anyone before me?” It’s stupid to deny - she still won’t believe it. It's better to find beautiful care:
- If there was, then it’s incomparable with you...
- I never lived before you...
- Before you, I only had a mother...
- What difference does it make, because I only love you...
- Yes, there were dreams about you before you...
Now let's think about how best to answer the following question strangers on the street or on the phone: “Hello! Do you have a minute?" What is tactless? The fact is that the person has obviously already decided that you already have a minute - and more than one - for him, and expects that you will be embarrassed to refuse the conversation he needs, but not necessarily the one you need.
Possible answers - do you have a minute:
- It depends on what you want...
- Why are you sure of this?
- Sorry, I don’t waste time...
- What do you want to ask...?
- Yes, but it’s too expensive...
- Do you have three hundred dollars with you...?
From no less tactless acquaintances you can hear the following: “Why don’t you still have children (wife, car, apartment, money, director position, scientific degree)? Options:
- I didn’t deserve it with my behavior...
- Karma doesn’t allow...
- This interferes too much with my genius...
- It distracts from saving the world...
Well, let’s remember the counter questions:
- Why do you want to know this?
- Why are you interested in this?
- Can you offer me this?
Another example of an attempt at wit: “Where did you get so much change? What, were you collecting alms? Let's try to find interesting passages:
- Yes, I just came from church...
- I just collect scrap metal...
- This is my salary for the year...
— I took the metro ticket office...
- I see you are envious...
- Do you want us to go together tomorrow?
- What, did I compete with you?
For all answering methods, the main thing is to show freedom from stereotypes, a creative approach and develop speed of mental reaction. In conclusion, I would like to wish you that in all life situations We were able to quickly find the best answers to any complex questions!
Interview: Maria Makeeva
In one of the first Lonely Planet guides was in Russia separate chapter with recommendations for traveling women, where, in particular, they warned that it is better not to sit on the grass or, even worse, on a stone parapet in the presence of a Russian babushka. What such a conventional “grandmother” can say, you can imagine: “Don’t sit on the ground (on a stone), you still have to give birth to children!” Foreign tourists were advised to treat such an invasion calmly, not to argue, and to get up immediately - the critic would not leave until they listened to her. Maria Makeeva spoke with three foreign women who lived here long enough and understood what a woman should expect from Russia.
Miriam Elder
USA, spent a total of eight years in Russia, from 2002 to 2003 and from 2006 to 2013, now back in New York, working as world editor at BuzzFeed
Ines Shulik
France, spent a month in Russia in 2012 (Tyumen) and 2013–2014. (St. Petersburg) on university internships, now lives in Strasbourg, looking for work in Russia
The first time I came to Russia was five years ago, I spent a month in Tyumen - it was such a summer school. I liked it very much. At my Sciences Po (Institute of Political Studies) in Strasbourg it is compulsory to study abroad for the third year, so I decided to go to Russia, studied at the faculty for a year international relations and at the philology department at St. Petersburg State University, where I also worked and, of course, traveled a lot around Russia. I really liked it because in Russia everything is possible. Everything bad and everything good, at the same time. I felt like I was almost home. People here, of course, are sometimes a little crazy, but I didn’t think it would be like this: my mom is French, my dad is German, and I feel a little Russian. There is something romantic and melancholic at the same time about the locals.
Gender stereotypes are very strong in Russia, much more so than in France. A woman should be conventionally beautiful and attractive, and a man should be strong. In France it is not so straightforward. I, of course, had many friends in Russia. And when I held the door for a man, everyone was surprised: “Why are you doing this? You're a woman! But for me this is normal. Or, for example, in the Moscow metro a man gives way to a woman - in France this does not exist at all. When I did the same for a man, everyone looked at me as if there was something wrong with me. And that was just politeness!
When I was working at a company in St. Petersburg, one day my boss came and said that I was very beautiful. It was so strange: I’m a teacher, I can’t say that I’m beautiful, it’s none of your business, you know? Compliments are, of course, possible, but if the boss is in front of me and I’m not a model, it sounds very strange.
We have a lot of open relationships, such as sexfriends; in Russia they almost don’t exist at all. In France, a date usually means going out together for a drink. And for you - “let’s walk around the city together.” Well, okay, great, but he came with a rose! And I don’t understand at all what this is? It's like a marriage proposal! Okay, I agreed to go for a walk, but why did you come with a rose?
Sometimes I think I'm going crazy: I get the feeling that in Russia women support sexism more than men. They love to be treated like princesses. They want gifts, flowers, a man must solve all problems. I don't understand this at all. I recently had a conversation with a friend, she is from St. Petersburg, but lives in Moscow - she told me that she would like to be weaker. She explained that if she was weaker, she would become more attractive to men. Of course I don't think so! Although in France they are also afraid of strong women.
I have a feeling that under the Soviet Union, women had to be strong, and then they wanted to become “feminine” again and therefore abandoned the idea of equality. There are also statistics on the share of women in government, and in Russia there are very low numbers. In France too, but in Russia completely low performance by the number of women in leadership positions.
In France, articles about feminism are now published almost every day. About three years ago, when I said that I was a feminist, everyone raised their finger to their temple. And now almost all women of my age (I’m 24) will say: “Of course, I’m a feminist too.” Yes, and men will say so. So the situation is much better than five years ago.
Sometimes being a woman is difficult, of course. It's not fair that we can't just walk around the city at one in the morning because it's dangerous for us. Of course, we have periods, and women have an easier time catching it than men. venereal disease, this also really annoys me.
In France there is street harassment, when men shout all sorts of things at you on the street - that you are “very beautiful” or that “you are a bitch.” In Russia I didn’t encounter this at all, but in France - often, almost every day. We see this sexism, and we don’t like it. And in Russia, I have a feeling that sexism is so cunning and convenient. For both women and men. A man loves to be strong, and a woman loves to receive gifts and say: “Great, my man solves all my problems, how convenient.” And yet, men in Russia have more opportunities in life. Get Good work, just more chances to live well.
Regina von Flemming
Germany, spent a year in Russia in 1989–1990, returned at the end of 1996, still lives in Moscow, independent member of the board of directors of MTS PJSC
Russia in 1989 was a career opportunity for me, plus psychological distance from home and parents. For a West German woman to be in eastern world it meant that there was distance, and mom and dad were immediately far, far away. They were shocked, of course, when I said that I was going to the Soviet Union, and asked: “But why not to France or America?”
I don’t know why, but as soon as I said somewhere in Russia that I was German, they immediately began to treat me with such respect: “Yes?!” “Mercedes”, “BMW”, everyone here believes that “Made in Germany” is a discipline, a culture. And never in any situation have I heard any criticism regarding fascism. And after the German aggression against Soviet Union it was a surprise for me. In France and England it’s different, such an interesting difference, in Russia they told me: “Well, you have such a culture - Goethe, Heine.” And I told them: “Well, the Nazis also read Goethe and Heine, but we had concentration camps.” But there is such a division - that there are good Germans, and there are fascists, and I have never received any complaints.
I, of course, was very politically active back in 1985 - I worked hard and a lot for the Social Democrats, for the leftist movement. My mother had four of us (one brother and three sisters), she believed: first education, and then marriage. And she told us: “You don’t have to believe that you will have a husband for the rest of your life.” Mom influenced us very much in this regard. By the way, main book of my life is “Russian Beauty” by Viktor Erofeev, I read it in German, main character She is also a feminist, because in the end she decides for herself how she will live.
In Russia, everything has changed a lot, of course, in twenty years. Women in the late 90s, like bunnies, sat next to men. This is not a Western style at all - they are very careful with their makeup and clothes. Shoes - I didn’t understand how it was possible to walk down the street all day in such shoes, in such heels. It was a shock, and for me later, if this is visible (shows bright red manicure), became the reason to return back. With us this was absolutely impossible: no makeup, nothing - now I have adapted.
In Russia, I often worked with women's groups - it was very simple. I love working with women who already have a child: they are super organized and happy to return to work after maternity leave. And this is a strength in Russia: they are much more integrated into economic processes. I noticed that many oligarchs work with strong women- financial directors, managers.
In Russia, of course, the old boys network is very strong (male “mafia”, connections based on previous friendships and acquaintances, employment of classmates, etc. - Author’s note), so it will be difficult for a woman in the metallurgical, oil, gas business, it is better to choose financial sector, insurance, cars. This is also the situation in Germany. A woman can rise to the very top only without children. Because it's very difficult to find here kindergarten, family support no longer works, everyone has moved from their cities and villages to the capitals, finding a nanny is also difficult (if you do it officially), and also, if you completely devote yourself to your career and at the same time you have a child, then you bad mom. And vice versa, if there are no children, but you are making a career, everyone will say “well done.” This social pressure still exists today.
Surprisingly, now young women in Germany have psychologically gone back and reasoned like this: it’s better good husband, after college, work for 3-4 years, and then stay at home. Everything came back, it’s a pity, there are very few aspirations for career. But in Russia, it seems to me that it’s normal if you say after six months or a year: “That’s it, I came back, I want to.” And in Russia there is an opportunity - this remains after the Soviet Union - to devote oneself to purely male professions. This is a big plus. And here, historically, after the war, in 1945, it happened - the husband either died or was in captivity. Then the husbands returned home, and the women in the 50s returned back to the kitchen, to the children and family life. Men have very carefully relegated women to the background. In Russia, it seems to me that everything is changing, and I’m waiting for it to happen. more women in politics.
The fact that I am a woman affected my work. If you speak harshly, they will say: “You are hysterical.” If you speak weakly, they will say: “She’s an aunt.” If you say, “Can I please finish my sentence?” (this is a very masculine turn of phrase) - they will immediately say: “She is dominant.” I work in Russia, and a man who sits far away, in peace, in Germany, will not be able to say: “Russia is easy.” The man is at the front! They won't be able to say, “She can't do it,” you know? Many women's careers began in the exotic, through the most difficult tasks, or countries, or in companies on the verge of bankruptcy, this is an opportunity, an empty niche.
And, of course, a separate conversation is personal life. The style of the 90s in Russia is parties, baths, but I categorically do not like baths, I don’t go there alone or with men. While working at Axel Springer, there was a high risk of ending up in a potentially compromising situation. Sixteen years ago I decided that I would come alone to every official evening. And that personal life is super taboo. Many people here shout at their backs: “What a whore.”
Women in Russia are a back. In a socio-economic sense. I think that without women here the country would have had complete economic bankruptcy. They work, they look after their children, they look after their parents, and their husbands. Women solve many problems that are not always noticeable and easily leave their comfort zone. They just say: “Yes, this needs to be done, it’s unpleasant, but it’s necessary.” “Everything will be fine” is not my favorite phrase, but in this case it works. Women say: “Okay, everything will be fine,” - they go and do it.
It would be great if in Russia there was less societal pressure on a woman in the sense that she definitely needs a child. And it would be very useful if people in Russia turned to psychologists more often in order to better understand themselves and get an answer to the question of why I live this way and where I got these psychological traumas from.
“How much do you earn?”, “When will you get married?”, “Why are you still without children?”...
“How much do you earn?”, “When will you get married?”, “Why are you still without children?” - you have encountered these and other questions more than once in your life. How should you respond to them?
I know people who deliberately avoid large family dinners, gatherings with relatives, or social gatherings just to avoid hearing these provocative questions. Excessive curiosity hurts and irritates precisely because the other person invades your personal space with his question. It doesn’t matter whether it’s acquaintances, distant relatives or your own parents, but if the question itself causes you confusion and discomfort, then the other person has entered territory where he does not belong. And that means you have every right to protect your borders.
Before learning how to easily parry tactless questions, let's think about why a person does this? Excessive curiosity can be a signal that the interlocutor has anxiety, an internal conflict on a “sick” topic.
For example, too obvious an interest in the income of others may hide both envy and a search for solutions on how to make better money. If I'm in a difficult financial situation right now, I see money, spending, etc. everywhere. I worry so much about the future that I transfer my anxiety, dissatisfaction, envy onto others in the form of tactless remarks, etc. (from the series “our people don’t take a taxi to the bakery!”).
Another example: a super-caring mother is worried that her daughter will not arrange her personal life and will not give her grandchildren. Therefore, at every opportunity, she wonders when her beloved daughter will get married. In my opinion, her worries are not so much about her daughter, but about herself. For example, she herself started a family early out of fear of being left alone, not needed by anyone. And now, watching how her daughter at her age is not in a hurry and enjoys her life, she is faced with her doubts: “Did I do the right thing then? Maybe if I hadn’t been in a hurry, everything would have turned out differently?”
What I want to draw your attention to in these examples is that a person, being interested in something that does not concern him at all, actually demonstrates his vulnerability, unresolvedness in the topic of relationships, money, motherhood, etc. That is why his questions are so straightforward and tactless. How to react to them?
How to easily answer “uncomfortable” questions
The easiest option, in my opinion, is to openly ask “Why are you asking me this?” This way you make it clear to your interlocutor that you do not consider it necessary to answer right away, and, at the same time, turn the conversation towards him.
“I don’t consider it necessary to answer your question” is also an option to limit the interest of another person. The calmer and more confident you are, the faster unnecessary curiosity will fade away.
Tell the truth. This could be an honest and short answer, “I don’t know.” You really can’t know exactly when you will become a wife or mother. And in the same way, depending on who is asking the question, you can openly answer the question. For example, to the question “When will you become a mother?” you can honestly answer “Now I have other priorities in life. My career is more important to me now.” Sincerity combined with confidence will surprise the tactless interlocutor and put him in his place. Again, the degree of your openness is determined by you.
Mirror your interlocutor, ask him his own question or another “uncomfortable” one: “When did you..?” How much do you earn?” . By returning the faux pas, you are protecting your space and letting the other person know what it's like to be under such scrutiny.
Use jokes: “When will you get married?” -“You will be the first to receive an invitation to the wedding”; “Why have you gained so much weight? “I didn’t want to look pale compared to you.” Humor will help relieve tension in a conversation, avoid answering and show the absurdity of the question for the interlocutor.
As you can see, ways to get out awkward situation are different. And whether they work or not depends on how painful the topic that others are so interested in is for you. If you are seriously suffering from the fact that you are still not married or do not earn as much as you would like, any comment on this subject will be perceived by you as “salt in the wound.” No matter how skillfully you respond, how confident or vulnerable you are will make all the difference.
Inconvenient questions confuse us, irritate us, and even can ruin our mood for a long time. Tactlessness hurts, among other things, because the questioner not only interferes in our personal life, but also at the same time evaluates and compares with public standards. Is it possible to avoid such questions? I think what's more important is how you answer them for yourself. No matter how strangers try to stick their nose into your life, they definitely won’t succeed from the moment your choice, your priorities in life take more place than the opinions of others.
How tormented you were with these nasty questions: Are you married? How much do you earn? Are you on a diet? How to learn to answer such tactless questions quickly and original.
I didn’t get married for a long time, and I was tormented by all sorts of familiar aunties and girlfriends and other interested people. personal life: "Are you married?" or “Aren’t you going to get married?” . For people who are sure that every girl has dreamed of buying a wedding dress since birth, it’s easier to answer something like: “Yes, I’m already divorced, now I’m looking for a new victim. Are you married yourself? How’s your husband, handsome?” or “It’s too early for me to get married.” Option: “Scientists have proven that after marriage, people have sex less often. So I’ll take another walk” - had a very good effect on my annoying friends.
After some time I got married, I thought everyone would leave me behind, but that was not the case. A month after the wedding, everyone started pestering me with questions, am I pregnant and when am I going to . We had to laugh it off: “There are no problems, we just know that there is contraception and we know how to protect ourselves” or “We are still rehearsing conception.”
She became pregnant, and now the curious began to be tormented by the question: am I suffering from toxicosis? . I had a desire to make an inscription on a T-shirt: “Toxicosis doesn’t bother me, but does it bother you?” And also from this series: “Is my husband glad that I got pregnant” answer: “No, she cries all day long.”
You meet an old friend somewhere on the street and always: “Hello, what’s new?” My husband usually answers: “What old things do you remember?” Or they will see me with a child: “Oh, this is yours,” I came up with: “No, I rented it from the neighbors.”
My mother-in-law comes to visit us, sees that I am still breastfeeding my one and a half year old baby, and every time she starts: “It’s time to quit, how long are you going to feed him?” She laughed it off: “Until you go to college, they say that the longer you feed, the greater the chances higher education get". She’s probably jealous of me that I’m as thin as a sliver, I’ve been breastfeeding for so long, and her plump daughter’s milk disappeared very quickly.
On the topic of weight. Since childhood I was thin and my grandmother terrorized me tips on how to get better. In her understanding, a woman should be as plump as a bun, although she herself retained the weight of Madonna until her deep gray hair. At first she simply answered: “I want to be a model,” then: “Let everyone be jealous,” and finally, she categorically refused to talk to her about this topic. It helped. Now that due to sleepless nights at my son’s crib, my weight has dropped to the level of the highest paid fashion models - she is silent.
Not everyone “suffers” from thinness; girls who are prone to being overweight have to fight off annoying things: “And you’ve recovered!” , I advise you to answer: “What are you talking about? There’s a crisis in the world, it’s me who’s swollen from hunger.”
Particularly curious people are still interested in the question: “How much do you earn? What about your husband? . For a long time I could not figure out how to answer such tactless questions, but in the end it turned out: “I have enough to live on with butter” - so far it worked.
Of course, it is important to understand whether a person is interested out of idle curiosity or is truly sincere. We need to look at the situation. If a friend asks, wanting to offend or find a new topic for gossip, it is better to limit yourself to: "It's personal" - Let her think for herself what you wanted to say. The main thing is not to lie, by lying you will harm yourself.
A beautiful and well-designed resume is not a reason for an employer to invite you to work, and even more so when it comes to, for example, a management position. In such a serious matter, many aspects and even nuances play a role, which the employer will focus on and immediately ask about them.
And our Azerbaijani employers are no exception here. Most often, the marital status of the applicant comes under their close attention. You might think: what’s wrong with that, well, whether you’re married or married, what does it matter?!
I remembered the recent story of one of my friends. Seva Aliyeva is 29 years old. She was looking for a job and finally she was invited for an interview.
“I was at an interview, during which the employer, of course, asked if I was married. I answered that yes, I was married. He asked about the presence of children and how old they were. I asked a counter question, what does this matter? To which he replied : “Nothing in principle, it just might interfere with work in the future. This, of course, does not apply specifically to you, but, for example, if overtime and business trips are required from you, then children, especially small ones, can interfere, because they require constant care and attention, you have to constantly ask for time off, leave work early,” - Seva told.
After this interview, the company never called her back. It is possible that the reason was precisely her marital status and the presence of children.
Yes, of course, if a person is single, or it would be more correct to say “without aggravating circumstances” for the employer, this may mean that he can devote more time to work, including on holidays and weekends, stay late after work, go on endless business trips . After all, there is nowhere to rush, no one is waiting at home. And a salary increase is no longer of fundamental importance - you don’t need a lot of money for yourself...
From all of the above, the conclusion suggests itself that professional experience employers, in general, don’t need it? And education too? And the fact that a woman wants to work and not sit at home with children doesn’t matter either?
Some who “unsuccessfully” passed the “certification” regarding their marital status with their employer admitted that they would have been better off lying and calling themselves single. I would like these kinds of thoughts to come to mind only on rare occasions, but they are becoming more and more common.
However, exceptions also happen. There are times when it is married women who are in demand.
This incident happened to my friend Lala. She said that when she came for the interview, she was very afraid that she might not be hired because she was married and had small children. In addition, she is 31 years old and such figures often confuse our employers. After all, pay attention, there are advertisements everywhere, especially for vacancies for secretary and office manager - up to 30 years of age.
But Lala was lucky - the employer turned out to be a supporter of hiring family employees.
“Later, when I was already in the team, I noticed that many family employees take their work more responsibly and seriously, and do not waste time on empty conversations with girlfriends or flirting,” said a friend.
I asked HR manager Nargiz Sadikhova to comment on the issue.
“It just so happens that employers create a general portrait of the applicant from leading questions, and there is no need to focus on the issue of marital status, since all this is needed to form an idea of a possible future employee. And, as many believe, a person who in marriage, he is more balanced and less prone to unexpected actions. And although this can be argued, some employers still prefer, other things being equal, to hire married men as more reliable. This also applies to women.
But there are cases when the employer assumes periodic business trips. And here the marital status, primarily with regard to women, creates questions, since in our country it is somehow not customary for wives to go on business trips, especially long ones. If such a question arises, you should immediately explain to the employer that at your previous place of work you had to leave often, and your significant other takes such absences calmly, and you will have someone to leave your children with,” advised Sadikhova.
And here’s what I read the other day on one of the forums: “I only need women, they are more reliable workers. But not older than 40 years. After 40, people become inert, and I need energetic and stress-resistant people who have a desire to learn and a willingness to work in young team. If she’s not married, that’s also bad. That means she’s not serious, and her appearance also matters.”
In my opinion, the requirements are too exaggerated. Many questions come to mind, one of which is “did you yourself meet all these requirements when you got the job?”
As they say, at 22-27 years old people get hired easily and quickly, at 27-35 they will hire you if they have it good experience and achievements, and after 35 - they will think well.
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