Healthy selfishness. Do you agree that “healthy selfishness” is useful?

After all, all I want is for everything to always be my way.
Bernard Show

Selfishness is a rather unpleasant word. How do you think? Is altruism better?

In society, it is customary to call selfish people who pursue only their own interests as egoists. Altruism is the opposite concept. These wonderful members of society, who are lucky enough to bear the proud name of “altruist,” are ready to selflessly sacrifice their own interests in favor of the interests of another person. And if they like to act this way throughout their lives, great, everyone is happy. But in reality, there are few true altruists, and the whole teaching about sacrificing oneself to society smacks of the hypocrisy of party congresses from the times of the Soviet Union.

Thanks to mass foreign cinema, each of us approximately knows who psychoanalysts and psychiatrists are. Generally speaking, they professional problems boil down to one thing: how to teach a specific person to live in harmony with the world around him. They take the poor fellow apart, piece by piece, in order to orient him a little in his own desires and help him understand the surrounding reality. The concept of “selfishness” is also based on the desires of a particular person.

On the other hand, the science of psychology, which examines the psyche as a whole, has other branches that study human behavior in order to influence a specific person, for example, his choice in a store. This means that society learns to influence the individual so that he does what society needs. And in this case, a person parts with his interests, his own point of view and assessment of what is happening, being under the influence of “public” opinion. Well, isn't it altruism?

The pitfall remains the question: who controls this society and what goals does it pursue? It cannot be spontaneous... But I'm not talking about that yet.

Selfishness is based on human needs, altruism is based on the interests of society. What to prefer is something we decide throughout our lives. Someone in the field of problems is treated, someone endures, someone protests, and someone pours vodka over everything. Is it really impossible to learn to live normally, in harmony with yourself and the world? Shall we try?

But first, let's get something clear. Firstly, “egoism is the principle of life orientation, consisting in turning private interests into the main motive activities and the main criterion for evaluation in relation to society and others.” The quote, by the way, is from the dictionary. Secondly, society condemns selfishness as the concept of greed, the desire to obtain material wealth and carnal pleasures despite causing suffering to others.

Do you feel that the dictionary definition is much softer than the common societal understanding of the word?

What's the difference? The fact is that a person always, as a result of all his actions, expects to receive something in return, but in most cases these are far from material benefits. "Selfish" Small child with her incessant whims, she demands to satisfy her curiosity from playing with her mother’s cosmetic bag, and not to appropriate all her beautiful bottles and alluring boxes. The same thing happens with adults. We all ultimately strive for approval and admiration, and the presence of material wealth, it seems to us, can help us in the recognition of others. That's all.

So, I argue that you can live in harmony with the world only by well understanding your nature and - through a common principle - understanding what motivates other people.

And what is this general beginning? Our natural selfishness. Judge for yourself.

Even with a cursory glance at society, we will be forced to admit that we are all quite fixated on ourselves. And how could it be otherwise, if what we see around us is processed by our brain in accordance with our unique upbringing and life experience unlike any other? A person is what he thinks about the world around him and how he then decides to act.

People, it seems to me, are like bottles of perfume. Every day we live, every event of this day pours its concentrate into the container of our consciousness, sometimes more intense, sometimes less. And then throughout our lives we exude, drop by drop, the aroma of what is poured into us, mixed and even deposited in our consciousness in the form of stable, hardly soluble formations.

The analogy with a fragrant substance is valid in both cases: both in what enters us and in what comes from us.

Information comes to us in three ways: we see, hear or feel something through the skin, taste and olfactory receptors, and also through the vestibular apparatus. And all this information gives only a partial picture of the world. Visible to the eye the picture shows us only part of reality, the words of the interlocutor express only a specific, narrowly focused thought, sounds reflect what is happening at that moment, and sensations are changeable: they are either local in nature or short-term. In all cases, the person is focused on what is happening in this moment Around him. And even the accumulation of experience and the expansion of knowledge does not save us from this partiality - look at science, and its ideas about the world are constantly being adjusted. Thus, we consider the surrounding world to be what surrounds us here and now or what we saw, heard or felt somewhere before.

Let me summarize my thought: the world comes to us undiluted with absolutely everything bad and good, pleasant and disgusting, joyful and sad, i.e. real, as it is in its entirety, but concentrated by those events that occur at that point in space and moment of time where we are. And if it seems to you that the world is gray and dull, it means you are sitting in a dark room with dim lighting. This is what “flows” into you.

Now what do we get as a result? In your... what are you now, let’s say, thirty... in your thirty you have heard, seen and suffered so much, haven’t you? People complained to you about life, talked about their failures and illnesses, boasted of exaggerated successes and real victories, you saw their jubilation and suffering, felt the warmth and icy cruelty emanating from them... Someone was constantly muttering something in our ear, the heavy artillery of video and audio information sounded on TV without warning, there was a crush in the subway and the weather was not always friendly. This is the kind of thickly brewed syrup we have to deal with! And this, get to know me, is now your character. Along with genetic characteristics, of course. What aroma do you exude? If those around us turn away, it means we are filled with harsh and unpleasant odors, if they reach out, we manage to attract others with what they like.

The question “what scent do you exude from your bottle” should interest everyone very keenly, otherwise you will not understand what motivates you, what you really want and where is your desire and where is the influence of others. You must imagine as accurately as possible who your parents are, what environment you grew up in, what the people around you were like, and whether you correctly perceived the events taking place. Just don't judge anyone! We need all this to understand only ourselves for now. Because all this was deposited in the map of our character. You do have Medical Card, right? Ideally, all the changes that occurred in your body should be described there. Everyone should also have an idea of something similar, only relating to their own character. But again, ideally... In reality, we live, “understanding” more in others than in ourselves.

By the way, this term “character map” came to my mind when I was writing the science fiction novel “To the Center of Consciousness.” There is a description of what this map could be like if scientists confirmed the discovery of the energy of consciousness, an immaterial substance that exists in parallel and in connection with the material world.

So, despite the fact that at times the world turns its unfriendly part towards all of us, in each of us lies a potential, instinctive, fundamental desire to be healthy and happy. This is inherent in nature, nature itself. A person does not seek to destroy himself physically and spiritually, this is nonsense. Human nature predetermines life as maintaining integrity and harmonious interaction with the surrounding reality, and no one can destroy himself and live at the same time. Therefore, in order to be happy, we must always manage to keep our body and mind in order. Well, if the body is at the very least, but understandable: vegetables, massage and fitness are good, but vodka, cakes and a sofa are bad, then everyone has different experiences with their sense of self and relationships with other people.

Meanwhile, the secret is simple. Man is an egoist because he sees only his own world and strives to settle in it the best way according to your perception. But what's shameful about that if it's our nature? Maybe our troubles are that we are embarrassed to understand ourselves and are afraid to accept others as they are and therefore interact incorrectly with each other?

Each person is individual. It's like dividing the spectrum into seven billion shades and giving each inhabitant of the Earth the glasses of his own unique color. In a big way, we are similar in some ways, but still different. But here’s the problem: for some reason we all think that best place under the sun - white. I hope you understand that White color is a combination of all wavelengths of visible light, and in this case happiness is illusory. But what if we admitted to ourselves that we all want to occupy the same place? That we all want to live in warmth and comfort, to be well-fed, to see beautiful things, people and nature around us, and... to be first among equals in a competition of minds! But this means that someone must applaud below while you are standing on the podium. But no one wants to be at the bottom... And we can’t all fit at the top. There is only one way out - to interact as equals and let the strongest win.

Unfortunately, a race on equal terms is a utopia; points were handed out to us thousands of years ago, and our financial situation, upbringing and educational opportunities create for our lives certain conditions. We are not equal and in this we are unique. We do not see the world the same way, and due to the partial perception of the world, we cannot be aware of everything, and therefore we lose somewhere and to someone, and this complicates people’s understanding of each other.

But we have one unifying property - we want security in the physical and spiritual plane and act on the basis of natural egoism.

By the way, all of the above does not mean that people, caring more about themselves, should act in accordance with the principle “this is what I want, but I won’t do this, and let the whole world wait.” On the contrary, the best feelings and actions of people, spiritual canons and moral laws are based on an understanding of natural egoism and the desire of people, for one reason or another, to interact with each other. “Do as you want to be treated,” “Love your neighbor as yourself”—these statements send us first to ourselves, and then turn our gaze to our neighbor, who longs for the same.

Selfishness is selfishness, but self-dislike is a clinical psychiatric case, any doctor will tell you. A person must love his body, care for it and take care of it, just as he must take care of his soul. Selfishness is focusing on oneself. But if you understand that it is in your nature to take care of yourself, and everyone does this, you will be able to shift your attention to other people, interact more effectively with them, and your life will become much easier.

This is the paradox. On the one hand, you must know exactly what you want yourself, on the other hand, this will give you the key to understanding other people. Everyone around you: your children, parents, spouse, boss, salesperson in the nearest store are pursuing their own personal goals that protect their life, health and happiness. Every day and hour, turning their back to you or extending their hand, laughing or sympathizing, they care only about themselves. Accept this thought and let's move on along the path to your personal happiness.

Why are people often in conflict with others or with themselves, which by the way is much more dangerous? Why do people get angry at each other and disgusted with themselves? Probably, generally speaking, they cannot find a way out of the existing contradiction between your own desires and the interests of someone else. If a conflict is not resolved quickly, it poisons life. How can we reconcile our interests?

Firstly, ask yourself: who am I and what influenced my awareness of reality. Believe me, the mysteries of your upbringing hide many answers to the question: why do you behave this way.

Secondly, find out who you are dealing with: who he is and what could have influenced his character. It’s easier to do this with close people, but you are in contact with them more often, which means that such “inquiries” have a very practical meaning and the work done is so worth the effort!

Third, highlight the goals that you pursue in each situation, and what interests the opposite side in the conflict defends. Perhaps, after taking a closer look, you will understand that the reason for the discord is completely different, and you can easily give it away. But on the other hand, someone's goals may be incompatible with your idea of happiness and seriously threaten your health, in which case it is better to keep a safe distance from this person.

What does the person standing in front of you want? Still can't answer this question? Protect your health and life and gain recognition, i.e. mental self-satisfaction. But it happens that often, in order to get it, he must take something away from you! All the sellers in the world want to get money from you, the employer - your work, children - your affection and time, your loved one - tenderness and support, parents - attention and care, friends - advice, company and the opportunity to borrow money. The whole world wants something from you. So don't forget about it! Don't forget that you should also receive something in return. And if what you can offer coincides with what they want to get from you, and you are easily given what you need, this is the happiness that we all strive for!

Anna Sukhomlin

Transformational coach and trainer, astropsychologist, author and presenter of online educational projects.

I think you have observed this paradox more than once: as soon as you decide to change your life and do something important for your loved one (for example, go to the North to see the seals), literally everyone around you considers it their duty to take an active part in this. And if until now you naively believed that no one cared about you, suddenly a miracle happens! It turns out that you greatly underestimated yourself.

It feels like some kind of invisible alarm is going off, a red light is coming on, and the sirens are starting to howl. Your close circle urgently mobilizes and organizes vigilant round-the-clock surveillance. And even just acquaintances and friends consider it their duty to express their own opinion and be sure to give advice.

What is the reason for this sudden and increased interest? Banal selfishness. It turns on for you because selfishness is a function of the human psyche. And since this function also works perfectly for the people around you, they figure out how changes in your life will affect them, and just in case they try to prevent this from happening.

Trap one. Catch and neutralize

The most effective methods- resistance and suppression. Of course, there is also a constructive objection, but this option almost never occurs in nature, otherwise there would be no need to write this article.

So, here's what typical resistance and suppression scenarios look like:

The desire to dissuade: “Do you need it?”
Trying to change focus: "You'd better instead..."
Arguments and facts: “Before 30 is too early,” “After 40 is too late,” “A woman shouldn’t.”
Public Opinion: “What will people say?”
Manipulation: “You’ll give me a heart attack!”
Pressure from authority: “I think this is complete nonsense.”
Pressure for pity: “What about me?”
Intimidation: “Just try, here I am then...”
An attempt to induce a feeling of guilt: “Now because of you...”
The desire to sow doubt: “What makes you think that you will succeed?”
Ridicule: “Me too, a ballerina was found...”
Well, or just a good old hysteria with a scandal.

Thus, the other is trying to tell you: “I object because it hurts mine.” But it’s a shame to admit this, especially to yourself. How does it feel to agree that you are an egoist! So all this self-deception is presented under the guise of caring for one’s neighbor.

But all these typical scenarios would not have an impact on you if it were not for the second trap.

Trap two. Other people's expectations

When your healthy egoism awakens, you experience a surge of strength and dizziness from opportunities and prospects. Your mind's eye pictures rosy pictures of an ideal life, where you swim with seals and everything is arranged the way you want it.

This is where the second trap kicks in - other people’s expectations, stereotypes and social patterns that have been cultivated over generations and diligently put into our heads since childhood.

A woman must, a woman must... A woman is, first of all, a mother, wife, daughter (underline as appropriate). And further in the same spirit. And even if you are not yet a wife or mother, you must first become one. And if you are already a wife and mother, then you can’t think about anything else at all.

And inside the beautiful female head, the battle of one’s own healthy egoism with the generally accepted software. If the programs win, at best the woman chooses safe changes, that is, goals that give a feeling of change and at the same time are completely consistent with the pattern. To get an education. Marry. Prepare. Give birth. Repair. Country house. Get a divorce. Get married again.

In the worst case, a woman begins to suppress natural selfishness, adjusting herself to other people's expectations. Don’t disappoint your parents, meet your man’s expectations so that your friends will be jealous. And this is how unhealthy egoists are formed. Women who give up their careers “for the sake of family and children” do not marry “for the sake of their parents” and the list goes on.

Sometimes a woman, in an attempt to break out of the program, acts contrary not only to expectations, but also common sense. Then the “to spite the enemies” scenarios are used, which results in deeply sad consequences: alcoholism, betrayal, fights.

In all variations of this trap, the woman blames everyone and everything for her problems, mistakes and failures and feels deceived. After all, they promised her: if she does everything right, she will be happy.

In general, whatever one may say, it is better if healthy selfishness wins. In any case, you can always, by your own decision, abandon the seals and return back.

By the way, it’s very easy to understand that you haven’t had similar situations before and you are completely satisfied with life: you haven’t read the article to this point.

Trap three. Whose goals?

And if you’ve read it, then I have good news. The fact that you want to listen to the voice of your healthy egoism of the heart is a sign of mental maturation.

But it is precisely this growing up that is the most difficult and cunning third trap. Is this your goal? Have you really chosen your path of change, and not succumbed to the desire to prove something to someone?

Very often voice social programs, parents and internal critics drowns out our true aspirations, and if your goal contains the postscript “And then everyone will be shocked that I gave up my career and went to the seals,” then, unfortunately, this is not a goal. This is a common compensation scenario that is often substituted for meaning. Become famous to prove to everyone. Become successful so that everyone will envy you.

By grasping at a false goal, you run the risk of wasting a lot of time and effort and ending up not getting results, but complete disappointment. After all, if those who should be shocked by your action suddenly lose all interest in you (and this is what happens), then you will no longer need to strain yourself.

How to bypass the traps

To make your journey along the path of change comfortable and safe, you should know three important rules.

1. Really grow up

Real growing up is, first of all, taking responsibility for your own life. And here is a list of areas of your life for which only you are responsible, if you want to consider yourself adult woman entitled to:

Appearance, manner of self-expression.
Health, nutrition, physical activity.
Personal belongings, personal space, personal time, personal finance.
Knowledge, study, education.
Interests, hobbies, hobbies.
Choice of profession, place of work.
Life goals, mission, purpose.
Communication with people who are interesting to you, like-minded people.
Rest, peace, solitude.

As you can see, the list is quite impressive, but it can be further expanded. It is in these areas that you may not agree on anything with anyone. Actually, your close and not so close people have the right not to agree with you on the same points. Impressive, isn't it?

But what goes beyond the listed areas of life may require coordination, since there we enter into the field of interactions with others.

2. Don't shake the air

If you seriously intend to act, then act, and at first silently.

Make sure that these are your goals, and not actions in spite of someone, out of spite.
If the goal is not yours, you will be very irritated and resentful of resistance environment. Unproductive waste of emotions and cries of “You’re not letting me live” is a litmus test for the falsity of goals.

A true goal is something you can’t help but do without really worrying about what others will think about it. It’s not that you don’t care at all, it’s just that the internal significance of this goal is much higher than the external assessment. Therefore, fluctuations in the environment will not affect you much.

When you research the topic and gain concrete confidence that you really need it (the North has ideal weather conditions for your skin, and you are not allergic to seals), then voice your intentions, preferably gradually and casually asking questions. This way you will create a field for constructive dialogue.

And if you just want to attract attention to yourself, intimidate your family and friends with colorful descriptions of the planned changes, coupled with dramatic pauses: “Oh, so, now I’m leaving you for the North to the seals!” Behind the desire to make some provocative statement is often a simple lack of attention. Think about it.

3. Respect your loved ones

Unless you live in the desert or space and are an orphan, treat your loved ones with respect, no matter how selfish they may be. Especially if your goals affect more than just you. So, it would be great to find out in advance how your husband feels about seals and whether your children are ready to eat all year round fish.

Respect their right to make their own choices and be willing to make adjustments to your plans. Don't involve them in your personal changes, don't impose your goals on them and don't expect everyone to rush to pack their bags for the North with delight.

And don't try to fight stereotypes. Fighting the system is obviously a losing proposition, since it requires inadequate energy costs.

In general, when starting an exciting journey along the road of change to healthy selfishness, do not forget to buckle up and take a firmer grip on the steering wheel of your life, so that if you accidentally encounter other people’s expectations and social stereotypes, you will not fall by the wayside, but make an elegant U-turn and rush off, winking with hopes, into your bright future.

When I posted the article “” on my blog, then, in general, without asserting anything, I shared my feelings, observations, and just my mood. I see it this way. Blog readers also had no questions; the comments, supporting what was said, became a good addition. However, when I posted the announcement of the article on one of the services, it immediately said: “What are you talking about?” Most of the indignation was caused by the phrase: “To be healthy and happy, you need to be healthy egoist!»

However, the desire to be healthy and happy is inherent in a person by nature itself at the level of instincts. No person has the goal of destroying himself physically or spiritually. Human nature suggests that life is about maintaining integrity and a harmonious relationship with the world around us in reality. No one can destroy themselves and continue to live at the same time. To live a happy life, you need to keep both your mind and body healthy.

Each of us lives in our own world, in accordance with our own vision and perception. Everyone has the desire to settle down safely in it: to have comfortable housing, to eat well and tasty, to use beautiful things, to see pictures around them that are pleasing to the eye. And everyone wants to be recognized in this world.

Psychology, in contrast to the upbringing and Christian morality accepted in our society, asserts that throughout one’s life a person does everything in the name of his own good. Accordingly, the most strong motivation for doing nothing other than ours healthy selfishness. Selfish motivation is visible in all human actions. The fulcrum for egoism is human needs.

“Egoism is the principle of life orientation, consisting in the transformation of private interests into the main motive of activity and the main criterion for evaluation in relation to society and others” - a definition taken from the dictionary.

We are all selfish from birth. However, we were brought up in a society where selfishness is condemned and associated with such concepts as selfishness, selfishness, so no one will write on their resume that they are an egoist. In the eyes of others, we want to look noble, caring about the people around us, always ready to help everyone in need. But the basis is, first of all, taking care of yourself. It’s just that some are aware of this and soberly assess the world around them, while others continue to prefer self-deception, although at the subconscious level they are driven by the same personal interest.

Ten years ago, I would also have taken the accusation of selfishness as an insult. But studying literature on psychology, communicating with experts at seminars, observations and reflections did their job. For example, I love giving gifts, but at the same time I perfectly understand and it is no secret to my loved ones that I myself enjoy it, I like to see the joy in the eyes and the satisfaction of having pleased with the gift. I like to bring my girls to a good store and create a little fuss with fittings and selection. But I myself accept all signs of attention with no less pleasure. Everything is fair and there are no secrets with pitfalls. So, everything is not so selfless.

If you assert the opposite, that everything is done from a pure heart and without ulterior motives, then this is from the evil one. At the subconscious level, albeit unconsciously, there is still the same desire: to receive something in return. Try not to react properly to such a person’s gift, don’t thank him for his “selflessness,” and resentment, demands for justice and accusations of selfishness, but yours, will come out.

When parents demand adult daughter return home before a certain hour, warn with whom and where she will be, then naturally they are concerned about her safety. But you must agree that there is another motive - your own peace of mind. And try to save it if the child does not return home by the appointed hour and does not call back to warn about the delay.

Will you talk about morality and the interests of society if something threatens your family, children, or yourself? The question is unnecessary.

There is such a parable. The boss invites you to his office best employee companies. He thanks you for your work and shares his plans for the future: “Look, Ivan Ivanovich, out the window, you see what a panorama, what space. Now imagine that in ten years new buildings of our company will appear here, in which tens of thousands of people will work. The company's products will conquer the whole world and their profits will be fabulous. Did you imagine? Well done, I never doubted you! Now go and work even harder and more fruitfully so that I become even richer.”

Sound familiar? Most often, it is with this implication that the work of hired workers is stimulated. Tell me honestly, are you personally stimulated by the growth of profits of an enterprise to which you have nothing to do? I'm definitely not there. Each of us, first of all, is concerned with our own interests: the level of remuneration for the work performed, the opportunity for development and career growth, confessions. Stimulating factors can be some stability and security, receiving some other benefits. Selfishness? Yes, but not only that. This is everyone's natural goal - survival.

If society, a firm, an enterprise maintains an order that will ensure sufficient effective method our survival, then all our selfishness will work for this society. There are no selfless altruists, and if they are found somewhere, then they are definitely saints. Psychologists note that the absence of any egoism is something from the realm of fantasy or a diagnosis and work for a psychiatrist. We will not touch on this area.

Any normal, mentally healthy person will take care of himself, his family, his environment.

For healthy selfishness characteristic:

do not do anything that will harm you;

implementation, first of all, of your goals;

recognition of the right of others to have their own interests;

the right to one’s own opinion, the possibility of voicing it, even if it does not coincide with the opinion of the majority;

performing actions in one’s own favor, but without causing harm to others;

ability to find compromise solutions;

the right to protection by any means if there is a threat to oneself or loved ones;

lack of guilt for resolving issues in one’s favor;

the ability to use criticism within reasonable limits, without becoming rude;

self-love, respect for your desires and goals;

no demands for blind adoration for your “good deeds.”

“After all, all I want is for everything to always be my way” - Bernard Shaw on healthy egoism.

As children, we were taught: “An egoist is one who puts his own interests above others.” As we grew up, we learned to use this saying correctly. For example, like this: “You are an egoist! You consider your interests more important than those of others, that is, mine!” An egoist, as it was, remains a purely negative characteristic.

“There are three categories of egoists: egoists who live themselves and let others live; egoists who live themselves and do not let others live; finally, egoists who do not live themselves and do not give to others.”

Ivan Turgenev

However, psychologists believe that selfishness is inherent in all mentally healthy people. Selfishness is not a bad or good mark, but a character property that can be developed to a greater or lesser extent. Therefore, it is absurd to condemn someone for having selfishness: you can only condemn the degree to which it manifests itself. Among its manifestations are super-egoism (I am everything, the rest is zero), self-destruction egoism (I am nothing, look how insignificant I am) and healthy egoism (understanding one’s own and others’ needs and reconciling them with benefit for oneself). Before we pay attention to healthy egoism, let’s talk about the “sick” one. That is, by analogy with hypervitaminosis, hypovitaminosis and vitamin deficiency, sick egoism can be divided into hyperegoism, hypoegoism and anegoism.

Hyperegoism

It can be called superegoism. Very often combined with extreme forms of egocentrism and narcissism, when a person is not able to realize that the blue ball is spinning not only for him. There are a huge number of reasons for the formation of hyperegoism - from pampering a child in childhood to self-doubt caused by a lack of love and attention.

It’s worth taking a closer look at your friend’s motives and actions if he:

a walking illustration of the expression “the end justifies the means”
demands concessions from others, but is not ready to compromise himself
systematically turns any topic into a discussion of your loved one
denies even the possibility of being wrong, constantly doubting that others are right
imposes his opinion on others
demands compensation for any of his actions
trying to get out difficult situations at the expense of others
does only what will benefit him in the near future
I didn’t care about everything except my precious person

Consequences

Those who like to complain in their hearts that terrible egoists have a good life can be comforted. IN interpersonal relationships something very reminiscent of the laws of physics is at work. By at least, the counterforce will not be long in coming: the hyperegoist will sooner or later face alienation. Those around you will understand that in your relationship with him you shouldn’t go beyond superficial contacts; the team doesn’t like them, and the “other half” will also get tired of playing with one goal sooner or later.

One amendment must be made to this terrible picture: before all sorts of misfortunes befall the egoist, he manages to thoroughly ruin the lives of those around him. And if lovers can become disappointed and leave, and parents are often themselves to blame for the fact that their child grew up this way, then the children of the egoist suffer the most. It is they who then wage a persistent struggle against complexes and psychological trauma inflicted by a selfish parent.

Treatment

Fighting other people's egoism is a thankless task. The easiest way is to minimize contacts with a hyperegoist and not let him poison your life. Forced treatment rarely helps here, since such a person is not able to “notice the speck in his own eye.” Can change the situation severe stress. Especially if the blow is struck with the same weapon - absolute disregard for the interests of the egoist in things that are important to him.

If you don’t want to cut from the shoulder, you can try to negotiate. You express your dissatisfaction and propose either a complete severance of relations or an agreement that defines mutual rights and obligations. If the egoist understands that if he refuses, he will lose more than you, the relationship may improve.

Hypoegoism

IN Soviet time people who were brought up in the spirit of “the public is more important than the personal” were highly valued. And it’s true: most often a person with a reduced level of egoism is loved by those around him - he is ready to help, listen, and push his interests into the background. But, paradoxically, the hypoegoist is at the same time little valued as a person.

By the way, one should not think that among hypoegoists there are only cheerful, good-natured people. Often hidden under this mask is pathological uncertainty, self-rejection, a neurotic need to ease the feeling of guilt in front of others, and hostility towards others for having to sacrifice something for them. Hypoegoists often have a hard time in life due to carefully suppressed unfulfilled desires.

But to claim that any completely unselfish person is deeply unhappy is, of course, stupid. If he is lucky with a grateful environment, it will take care of a good but impractical comrade.

Consequences

A hypoegoist who is impressionable and does not know how to express himself in time often experiences global disappointment in life. He may fall into severe depression due to unfulfilled desires and unfair attitudes of others. By the way, very often parents who are deprived of selfishness grow up to have children who are super-egoistic. Balance is restored, but guess who will suffer the most.

Treatment

Here, the help of others is extremely important, a push from the outside that will help a person realize his own worth. By the way, as soon as yesterday’s victim understands that living for oneself is not a sin, but a completely worthy occupation, those around him begin to point out that she has changed a lot, not in better side, and demand that everything be “as before.” It is important not to succumb to this pressure and make it clear to others that there will be no return to the past. After all, even in ancient China there was one a wise man said: “The greatest obstacle on our human path is neglect of our own self.”

0% selfishness

Anegoism can be attributed to the realm of fantasy or serious illness. Mentally healthy people There are no people who don't take care of themselves at all. And this is already the competence of psychiatrists, where we should not interfere.

In a word, living well without reasonable selfishness is difficult. After all, the main advantage of a person with healthy egoism is the ability to solve his problems taking into account the interests of others and competently build a system of priorities.

Your egoism is completely healthy if you:

defend your right to refuse something if you think it will harm you;
understand that your goals will be achieved first, but others have the right to their interests;
you know how to take actions in your own favor, trying not to harm others, and are able to compromise;
have your own opinion and are not afraid to speak out, even when it differs from someone else’s;
ready to defend yourself by any means if you or your loved ones are in danger;
don’t be afraid to criticize someone, but don’t become rude;
do not obey anyone, but do not seek to control others;
respect your partner’s wishes, but don’t overstep yourself;
you are not tormented by feelings of guilt after making a choice in your favor;
love and respect yourself without demanding blind adoration from others.

Olesya Sosnitskaya

We often hear such a concept as selfishness, and we use it just as often. We associate egoism with indifference, and its opposite concept, altruism, with responsiveness. But there are no categorical character traits. It is quite rare to meet an exceptionally proud person and, conversely, an absolutely selfless person. Most often, these two traits are in balance, sometimes one slightly dominates the other. After all, we are all human; there are no final sinners, just as there are no completely sinless people. Can a person never achieve the ideal? Why does this happen? We perform all actions guided by internal motives. And most often the driving force is selfishness. The self-lover lives inside each of us.

From any situation, we first try to extract benefit for ourselves - this is the basis of any egoism, but “healthy egoism” tells us that our own benefit is not enough, we must bring joy to other people, or at least not harm them. And it's not so bad. If everyone receives some benefit, then humanity as a whole will be content. A person’s personal benefit must correspond to universal human interests, only in this case “healthy egoism” will be useful.

N.G. Chernyshevsky, describing “new people” in his novel “What is to be done?”, periodically refers to the theory of rational egoism. main character Vera Pavlovna was convinced that reasonable selfishness lives in man by nature.

It is genetically embedded in us; when we refuse something due to contradictions, calling this refusal a sacrifice, we first of all think about ourselves. Subconsciously, reluctantly, we do better for ourselves, corresponding to the interests of other people. Chernyshevsky says that a person strives for happiness, which is manifested in the desire to act for the benefit of others. That is, by being responsive, we please ourselves; by sacrificing something, we think about ourselves first. A person cannot live in happiness if he feels that others are unhappy. Internally, we always try to help ourselves and others.

Reasonable egoism is useful not only to one person; it corresponds to universal human interests, unlike pride. The only thing worse than an egoist is an egoist without a goal. Main character novel by M.Yu. Lermontov "Hero of Our Time" Pechorin was typical representative of his century. He is smart, educated, knows what he wants. But for all his strength of character, the hero is unhappy. His selfishness is clearly manifested in the story “Bela”.

Pechorin kidnaps Bela, whom he likes, without thinking about the tragic consequences for her, about the fact that he is tearing her away from her home, what her family will feel. Pechorin is indifferent to the feelings of others. What he does, he does solely for his own sake. He achieves reciprocity from Bela, after which he loses interest in her. After all, the main thing is to satisfy your own whim, without thinking about the harm to others

Without a doubt, “healthy egoism” is much more useful than selfishness. In the first case, we either achieve a compromise without harming anyone, or we provide benefits to both ourselves and others. In the case of absolute selfishness, we most often harm ourselves and everyone around us. A good is something that is useful both for the person himself and corresponds to universal human interests. And often reasonable selfishness is good.

Effective preparation for the Unified State Exam (all subjects) - start preparing

Updated: 2017-11-23

Attention!
If you notice an error or typo, highlight the text and click Ctrl+Enter.
By doing so, you will provide invaluable benefit to the project and other readers.

Thank you for your attention.