Today I will talk about an interesting technique for working through the past and letting go of experienced memories. Why do this at all? Throughout our lives, different good and bad things happen to us. We may remember them or forget them, but they all make up our experience, which is stored in our subconscious. And How good experience gives us energy for later life, bad memories take her away. And one of important steps On the path of self-development is awareness and acceptance of our past experience.
Today we will write letters. It will be necessary to remember people, it should preferably be from three and more people whom we have offended in our lives. And the same number of people who hurt you. Of course, it would be more effective to talk about this with them live, but this is not always easy. There is a simpler one, but at the same time effective method- this is to write them a letter in which you tell them what you feel or felt at that moment, what kind of sediment it left in your life. There is no need to do this with anger, blame or anything else, it is important to forgive or ask for forgiveness for past grievances. You’ve been through this for a long time anyway, don’t keep those negative feelings that you had.
I would also like to add that you need to write these letters, and not mentally compose them in your head, and of course, not lie to yourself when writing them.
When you do this, re-read the letters, try to dream about what would happen if you sent these letters and they arrived. How would those people feel? When you do this, move on to the next part.
Now imagine what if you sent these letters and they arrived? Try to mentally imagine what it would be like. How the person to whom you wrote the letter takes it out, opens it and begins to read. What he would feel, what his facial expression would be. Do you think he would want to answer?
And regardless of how they answered the previous question, we will still answer and do it for them. Now write yourself a letter on behalf of that person. Try to get used to him, how he felt about those events, about you, what could he answer you? Do you think he would forgive? I asked forgiveness?. Write replies from everyone you wrote to.
When you do this, rest for a while and then re-read these letters.
The interesting thing about this exercise is that it can be done as many times as you like. Often the most painful moments from past life, some of them may have been forgotten, but from time to time they are still remembered. And as soon as you remember such an episode from your life, now you know what to do with it, how to let go of the past.
The older a person is, the less future he has left and the more often he plunges into memories. He gets the impression that it is too late to make plans, think about prospects, hope for something good. And the strength is no longer the same. The world narrows to the limits of the comfort zone, and even that gradually becomes smaller and is soon limited to the sofa.
The future is scary - it sees only illnesses and senile infirmities, the present is incomprehensible and uninteresting, and the past is idealized, even if everything was not as prosperous there as it seems now. The food was tastier, the people were kinder, the women were more modest, and life was more fun.
Children don’t think about the past, because they have almost no past, and ahead of them is a whole life filled with exciting events and discoveries! They live not for yesterday, but for tomorrow, they are focused on the future and think that they can handle everything. “When I grow up, I become a racer, a president, I fly into space,” “When I’m big and start earning a lot, I’ll buy you houses in different countries", they promise.
But not everyone has the energy, strength and ability to turn dreams into reality. Expectations are not met, desires are replaced by disappointment and dissatisfaction with oneself and the world. And then the person plunges into the past, trying to understand where he made a mistake, what he did wrong. And it would be good if it were just an analysis of errors so as not to step on the same rake a second time.
No, self-examination, regret and self-criticism begin, like: “I should have listened to myself, and not to my mother, Ira, Petya” or “Why did I marry Kolya, I should have listened to Yura.” These internal monologues, conversations with oneself are fruitless, they do not change anything. Instead of directing his energy to solving the problem, a person spends time chewing on the same thing.
Infantile people also live in the past. Once upon a time, parents made decisions for them, they also took responsibility, and they also determined life path. The firm parental hand that guided them through life is gone, and it is no longer clear what to do and where to go. It is better to immerse yourself in memories of your former carefree life than to take on today's worries and think about the future.
The past does not let go of those who feel guilty for a bad deed, committed voluntarily or unwittingly. Conscientious people with vulnerable psyches are especially worried about this. Mentally returning to the past, they replay the situation again and again, punish themselves, and ask for forgiveness. These trips to the past bring them painful pleasure and become necessary.
Even people who have experienced a breakup do not want to part with thoughts about the past. My husband left, my beloved left me - my life is over, there is no future. A person remembers again and again how good they were together, mentally reliving old feelings for the hundredth time. As before, the hormone of happiness begins to be released into the blood, and memories become a drug, a kind of doping, without which life is a boring black and white movie.
Often we return to the past because of an unfinished action. “A smart thought comes later,” people say. “Why didn’t I say this, why didn’t I do that?” - we ask ourselves, subconsciously trying to influence the past and change it. We mentally replay a conversation or situation that has already taken place several times, editing our behavior and choosing more appropriate words.
Why don’t psychologists advise delving into the past? The answer is obvious: by living in the past, we rob ourselves of the present. When we go into memories, we do not notice what is happening around us, and we voluntarily give up the emotions that we could experience today.
“The past is gone, it no longer exists. He who lives in the past feeds on illusions,” they say. In the words of George Washington, “Looking back is only to learn from past mistakes and to benefit from dearly purchased experience.”
Life can be compared to a game of chess. What's the point of regretting moves already made and pieces that have played their role and dropped out of the game? Let us not forget that someday we will find ourselves in their place.
“Why live in the past when you have the present?” asks American writer Nicholas Sparks in his novel Message from a Bottle.
How to learn to live in the present moment?
1. Looking for motivation
People living in the past lack goals and motivation to achieve them. Let's think about this: what else would we like to do in this life? Motivation must be very attractive, because most of goals are not achieved precisely because of insufficient motivation. When we begin to take concrete steps towards an alluring goal, we simply will not have time for useless memories.
But first you need to understand that desire, dream and goal are different concepts. Desires and dreams usually remain just desires and dreams, but the goal presupposes clearly defined actions on the way to it. For this purpose, a tree of goals is compiled.
But, of course, the driving force must be strong motivation- so attractive that it distracts us from thoughts of the past.
2. We live here and now
We must make the phrase “Here and now!” the main principle of our life. Those who are especially forgetful can make themselves a poster and hang it in a visible place. As soon as thoughts begin to run into the past, we remind ourselves: “I want to be happy here and now!”
As Paulo Coelho wrote, life will turn into a real holiday when there is nothing in it but the present.
3. We perform rituals that will help us say goodbye to the past.
For example:
- We get rid of things that remind us of a person whom it is time to forget;
- When uninvited memories come flooding back, we open the tap with water and imagine how they float away with it. We close the tap - we block the way to memories;
- We describe our emotions associated with the past, which do not leave us and give us no peace, on paper, and then burn it, imagining how they all disappear with the smoke.
4. Ending the relationship
We tend to idealize the past. We remember old acquaintances, classmates, fellow students, and these memories are touching and sentimental. We mentally carry on conversations with them, as if they have not changed at all over the years, and wish for a meeting: we want to tell someone what we once kept silent about, to prove to someone that he has lost a lot by abandoning us, to whom To show off what a beautiful swan the gray mouse has become. Our minds are filled with visions from the past.
We look for past acquaintances on social networks, arrange a meeting or a conversation on Skype - and now we see in front of us a complete stranger, very far from the image we have. The first joyful minutes give way to the understanding that, in general, neither we are interesting to him, nor he is to us.
“Don’t meet your first love, let it remain like this - acute happiness, or acute pain, or a song that fell silent across the river,” wrote poetess Yulia Drunina. “...Don’t reach for the past, don’t - everything will seem different now...”
But this meeting was not useless. We completed unfinished relationships, got rid of illusions, breathed a sigh of relief, found inner peace and began to appreciate those who are now next to us more.
5. Let's talk it out
The past can be let go if you don’t keep your emotions to yourself. Let's talk about what torments and won't leave alone to a close friend or girlfriend. If there is no one around, we’ll just say the painful thing out loud, alone with ourselves - once, twice, three times. And by the fourth or fifth, we ourselves will no longer want to return to the past.
6. Visualize
Another way to complete an unfinished action is to mentally relive the situation that worries us again, only “with a happy ending.” Like in a movie, let’s rewind the imaginary film and play the situation in our favor: we’ll say what we didn’t say, and we’ll do what we didn’t do.
This method is suitable for people with developed imagination who can easily recall the desired picture in their memory, be imbued with past emotions and convince themselves of the “correct” option.
7. Start the day with gratitude
French realist writer Gustave Flaubert said that because of the past, which grabs hold of us and does not let go, the present slips away. Let's focus on the present, because otherwise life itself will elude us. Let's start the day not with memories, but with thoughts about what today will bring us joy, about the people who love us and who need our love, and with gratitude for the fact that we have them.
There is not one, but two questions here. Because by letting go of the past, you will not automatically start living in the present.
Regarding the first part of the question. How to let go of the past?
Accept him. Bad news (which is also a little good):
1. The past is an integral part of life, which exists and will not escape you. And you won’t run away from it either.
2. You will not be able to forget the past completely. This is impossible. You can't erase memories from your memory unless you get into a car accident. The past will return and remind itself from time to time. But you can make sure that unpleasant memories come up less often, and bright ones more often.
3. You will not change what has already happened. Just accept it.
Good news (which is also a little bad):
1. The past will not happen again. You will never experience the same things again. You won't go through the same unpleasant moments again. That's it, they happened, you went through them. You are free.
2. You can change the way you think about your past. In this you are also absolutely free.
You can change your attitude towards the past so that it comes up in your memory less often and does not interfere with your life (present, future, eternal - it doesn’t matter) in the following directions:
1. Don’t regret what you did, even if it seems to you that your current self would have acted differently. “To repent is to add a new stupidity to the one committed,” as Friedrich Nietzsche said. You-who-were-then could not have done otherwise. You had that set of information and qualities that led you to this particular choice, and not to any other. Think about what your current self would do if you were in this situation again. Also? Great, that means there is nothing to regret - after all, you did the right thing. Any other way? And how exactly? Think about it, but don't fall back on the path of regret: answer this question from the point of view not of the past, but of the future. What will you do the next time you are faced with a similar situation? Why is this so? How will experience help you make the right decision?
2. Don’t think that everyone around you remembers some of your crap and is harping on it. First, what seems like crap to you may not be perceived that way by other people. Or perceived, but much simpler: who, actually, doesn’t happen to? Secondly, you are most likely exaggerating the scale of the “shame”. Thirdly, people are self-obsessed. Most people are so focused on replaying their own failures in their heads that there is no place for yours there.
3. Forgive those who have treated you unfairly. If you believe in God, then pray for them. “Delegate” this problem to God; you have no right to judge and determine the “measure of punishment.” God will judge. If you are not religious, then you should definitely forgive for other, rational reasons: the person treated you unfairly, and you yourself are multiplying the harm and pain that he caused you. Forgive for your own sake: it will not make your offender feel any better. But throw these people out of your life. Do not communicate with them, do not provide them with any services: this is not the moment when you need to be generous.
4. Indulge in nostalgia for the good times, but remember that there are even better things ahead. You can't even imagine yet what it will be like. Don't miss it by sighing about the past. :)
Let me move on to the second part of the question. How to start living in the present? Develop concentration. Whatever you do, keep track of where you rank. Is this your place? Is the role you play in your work team, among loved ones or in life in general right for you at this particular moment? Do you want to change it?
Pay attention to small pleasures and joys, celebrate pleasant moments and live them fully. Communicate, joke, flirt - all this draws us into the present moment. Take up a sport that requires reaction, even tennis will do. Try to do less routine physical labor, don’t do things that are boring and don’t want to do. Find a way to give it up. Invest energy in building good relationships with others. Not “promising”, “correct”, but good, pleasant, comfortable for you.
Greetings, my dear readers! We all have our own skeletons in our closet. We keep secrets, protect our secrets and often cling to the past. But sometimes this greatly interferes with achieving happiness in the present. Why do we do this? How to fix it? How to let go of the past and start living in the present? Today I will tell you how dangerous ghosts from the past are, why you need to get rid of old grievances as soon as possible and how to do it.
To begin with, I would like to recommend you a wonderful book: Alexander Sviyash “ Start your life again! 4 steps to new reality " In it you will find not only colorful examples of how the past hinders us, but also learn how to learn to live differently, become a completely different person and achieve inner harmony.
Ghosts from the Past
Why is it so difficult for a person to let go of the past? The past is familiar to us, understandable, stable. Let me give you an example. One of my clients could not forget her beloved man, who left her for another woman. She knew him like crazy, all his manners, what he loved and what he hated. She was comfortable in that relationship. So she couldn't let it go and start something new. She was afraid.
I suggest you just communicate. Find new ones interesting people. You don’t have to let them into your life, just gain positive energy from them, be charged with positivity.
Make plans, set goals, achieve small success first, and so move from one to another. Don't try to conquer the world right away. Let the goal be small and easily achievable to begin with.
Get creative. Remember, every person has genius potential. You are a creator. Creator of your life. Create and be happy!
What story from the past haunts you? What are you doing to start living for today? What's holding you back? What can't you get rid of?
Forgive, let go, lift your head higher and move forward.
Good luck to you!
They say you can't mend a broken cup, but it gets a lot easier when you know how to do it. The trick is to let go of the past. Easier said than done, but it is entirely possible. By following our instructions, you can let go of your past relationships and move on to the next chapter of your life.
1. Practice
Everything takes practice, and controlling emotions and feelings is no exception. Stop sitting in the backseat of your life, waiting for things to happen on their own. Instead, roll up your sleeves and put in the effort. Over time, you can develop the ability to think coherently and not dwell on what once was, but focus your attention on what is now.
2. Forgive yourself
Nobody is perfect. If you think you didn't do anything wrong in your past relationship, you're crazy. There is a reason why your relationship ended. Something didn't click and it wasn't what you both were looking for. No matter how fractured your world is, it's natural to feel loss, rejection, and failure. Forgive yourself and move on.
3. Focus on the positive
No relationship is completely devoid of good things, so focus on the good times you had together. Don't dwell on how you could have done something better, and don't think about how you can get it back. Those days are gone, and even if you get back together with this person, it won't be the same as before. IN real life there are no second chances. Remember these good times with a smile. This time has passed, but it was happy. Do not allow negative emotions about your ex influence your memories.
4. Learn from your mistakes
If you feel guilty, there is no need to bring yourself down. This eye-for-an-eye situation will only affect you, so you will lose. You may not be able to do everything right with this person, but you can analyze your mistakes and avoid them in the future. If you learned something from your experience, then that time was not wasted.
5. Focus on yourself
Don't worry about what yours thinks ex-partner how he feels, what he does and who he talks to. There is no point in having long imaginary conversations because there is no other person in your head but yourself. You repeat his words or make up answers. Stop worrying about what your ex is doing. You can't control it. Focus only on what you are doing.
It seems obvious The best way forgetting the past is looking to the future. Past relationships are not so bad, because you still have experience, as well as goals to achieve. It's okay to remember the past from time to time, but don't let it hinder you in the present.
7. Don't try to forget
Trying to forget someone is a bad idea. If you force yourself to forget, you will do things you shouldn't do. The time you spend with someone is part of your life. Why do you want to voluntarily give up a part of yourself? Don't set yourself the goal of forgetting something. This will happen anyway, but for completely natural reasons.
8. Accept the impermanence of life
Everything in life is temporary, even life itself. Even if immortality were possible, life would not remain as it is forever. Therefore we need to move on. Accepting the fact that nothing in life is permanent is part of growing up. No matter how hard you work, some things are simply beyond your control. Do what you can with what you have, or you'll soon find yourself broke.
9. "Tear down the Berlin Wall"
Where there used to be relationships is now empty. You must fill it with contacts with other people. You can look for new acquaintances or reunite with family and friends. The main thing is to lower your defenses and allow them to approach you. Otherwise you will only make yourself more unhappy.
10. Do good...
A great way to feel better is to help others. There are many ways you can do this. You don't have to change the world, but you can make the people around you happier. They will return your favor and cheer you on when something happens.
Breakups are very difficult, but we all lose important relationships. Letting go of past relationships is difficult, but you need to move on. If you don't do this, you will end up wasting a lot of time, which you will regret later. With discipline and practice, you can put this relationship out of your mind and move on to a new and happier one.
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